PART SEVEN – Surprise Visitors to Day 888 (cont.)
“I can’t do it; I don’t have what I need.” What does one need? Or what is it one thinks he needs? I love the person that comes in saying, “Well, okay, so let’s try this or that, or maybe we could use this, or perhaps we could get so-and-so to do it or tell us of someone who can.” Blessed is the resourceful one, because though he sits in his cell, chained by the neck, wrists, and ankles to a stone wall, he will find a way to be free. Maybe he’ll even patent what he discovers and get rich.
What is our greatest, most important central source? The Lord gives to them that humbly ask and believe, those not self-seeking, those unfettered by the thinking of the world. If we seek and strive only for ourselves, our power is puny, rewards are petty, and obstacles impossible to overcome. Seek for others, for right and good, and we become omnipotent and successful. Declared Paul the apostle, “I can do all things through Christ, Who strengthens me.”
In response to questions I felt Marilyn was asking in bitterness, words came forth for her on February 4th:
“Daughter, I also promised others great things (which promises hold), but instead of receiving the fulfillment of them, I led them into wilderness, into battle, fire, flood, loss, failure, hopes deferred, desperation, persecution, pain, tears, sorrow, tribulation, and even loss of life. I had to do those things with them and I had to do them with you. It is not as man would have it, I understand, but it is My chosen, necessary way. Those I choose must suffer; those I love must all pass through the same fires in their lives, or I can have no part in them or they in Me.
The world seeks happiness – that is their goal. I give some the things they think would make them happy and, behold, their miseries multiply. Having received those things they set their hearts on, they lost even the one thing you still have remaining within you. I gave them that which they sought and thought to make them happy but from you, as well as all My chosen, I have withheld those things and have given you and subjected you instead to those things which, for the time, make you unhappy.
Daughter, have you not been unhappy? I have made it so and you will soon know why. But one thing you have, which others have lost in having what they were after to make them happy, and that is hope. Because I love you, that hope is sealed within you – you are a prisoner of it, and nothing can remove you out of My hand. I will finish My work and you will have your reward, as I have promised. Behold, daughter, I make all things new.”
“For we are saved by hope. But hope that is seen is not hope; for what anyone sees, why does he also hope for it? But if we hope for that which we do not see, then we wait for it with patience” (Romans 8:24-25 MKJV).
“Therefore girding up the loins of your mind, being sober, perfectly hope for the grace being brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ…” (1 Peter 1:13 MKJV).
The Lord spoke to me over a decade before, telling me that just as He had given Aaron to Moses to be a spokesperson for him, so He was giving me Paul Cohen to be a spokesperson for me. There are several striking similarities between Paul and Aaron:
Aaron, of the tribe of Levi, became the first High Priest, his tribe the priesthood tribe of Israel. Paul’s last name, Cohen, means “priest.” Cohens commonly descend from the tribe of Levi, through Aaron’s line.
Paul and Aaron have certain similar idiosyncrasies. They’re easily influenced by others to do things they ought not. For example, while Moses was away, the people demanded that Aaron make them a golden calf. He complied. Aaron also fell to murmuring with his sister Miriam against Moses. Paul has similarly fallen to following the carnal will of others, which, of course, is contrary to God’s will.
Question: How would I be having a ministry like Moses in the afterlife, unless Paul was also to die physically, if Marilyn was right?
I received that Lois was seeing things during these fast days. It would take honesty and looking at those things realistically, having a commitment to Truth, the Lord Himself, for her to openly declare what she saw. Several times it came to me that she would see the situation at the farm for what it was, and with Sean, Marilyn, and me in particular. I mentioned this to her; it was evident she was struggling, though trying to put on a bold face.
By revelation, I once said Marilyn was the “second Eve.” Was it true or was I deceived? If the Lord is the last Adam, how could Marilyn be the last Eve? Was I in the Lord’s stead as the last Adam? Was I identified with Him in His coming?
The first Adam followed Eve when she was deceived. Paul Cohen believed that both Eves had to fall by temptation and deception, first in the beginning as happened, and in the end of this age.
When Marilyn heard the words of her prophecy on September 24, 1996, she didn’t submit all of it to elders. The part she didn’t divulge was that she would be marrying Sean after I died. Had she made this known, we could have judged that portion of the prophecy as deception. It was her duty to bring those words forward, and she failed (which disobedience speaks for itself as to the nature of the prophecy).
If the second Eve had to fall as did the first, then the second Adam must be a man and must have been following her in order to turn from her to God again. I have followed Marilyn in deception and have brought the others with me. Now was the time to turn away from her and back to God.
This time, by the power and will of the last Adam, Jesus Christ, all would be reversed. While the first Fall ended in condemnation, the second would be reversed in mercy, so that the Lord may have the glory of the resurrection and reconciliation to Himself of all things.
Besides Adam and Eve, there was a serpent in the first Fall, that serpent being a man, not a snake as we know it. Therefore, would it not be reasonable that if there were those three in the beginning, there would be a serpent involved in the end? Did I not prophesy in December of 1997, “As an angel shall he come and as a devil shall he go”? Was that not how it happened in Eden?
Did God not establish three major annual solemn Feasts in Israel? There were also three major events in human history:
One, there was the Flood in Noah’s day, immersing or baptizing the entire earth, paralleled by the first Feast, Passover.
Millennia later, there was the first coming of Jesus Christ to set in motion the raising of mankind from its fallen state, a resurrection or empowerment of God paralleled by the second Feast, Pentecost, when Jesus fulfilled His mission of bestowing His Spirit.
Finally, there is the reconciliation of all things by the return of the Lord Jesus Christ to establish the rule of the Kingdom of God, the fulfillment of the Feast of Tabernacles, Emmanuel, God dwelling with us.
The Gospel isn’t about going to Heaven, but of Heaven dwelling on earth among men:
Revelation 21:1-3 MKJV
(1) And I saw a new Heaven and a new earth. For the first heaven and the first earth had passed away. And the sea no longer is.
(2) And I, John, saw the holy city, New Jerusalem, coming down from God out of Heaven, prepared as a bride adorned for her Husband.
(3) And I heard a great voice out of Heaven saying, “Behold, the tabernacle of God is with men, and He will dwell with them, and they will be His people, and God Himself will be with them and be their God.”
I received that Archie would never lie to me again when he returned, and he would hear clearly from the Lord (which he had not in the past). The main difference would be that he will care because I care and because the Lord has performed His reconciliation.
Archie will wish to come as soon as he is able, rejoicing, knowing, though with some faint doubts (perhaps not) that he will be received with open arms to be forever with the Lord. How can this be, considering how he was when he left – dark and vicious, and how he was presently? The Lord is able.
In Adam, we all fell. But he and his wife, Eve, were shown mercy. God covered them with skins, gave them children, and promised ultimate redemption (Genesis 3:15). Therefore, having been in him, shall not all men be redeemed? Even on Cain, who murdered his brother, God set a mark for protection. Why should God protect him in this life, only to be burned in hell forever and ever in the next?
Ishmael, who, by nature, mocked Isaac, was also blessed, he and Isaac burying their father, Abraham (Genesis 25:9).
Esau, the fornicator and profane person, was blessed; he and Jacob buried their father, Isaac (Genesis 35:29).
King Saul went to be with Samuel after his death on the battlefield as an unbelieving believer (1 Samuel 28:15-19).
After His resurrection, Jesus went to the spirits in prison, who had died in the Flood, and preached to them the Good News:
1 Peter 3:18-22 MKJV
(18) For Christ also once suffered for sins, the just for the unjust, that He might bring us to God, indeed being put to death in the flesh, but made alive in the Spirit;
(19) in which also He went and preached to the spirits in prison,
(20) to disobeying ones, when once the long-suffering of God waited in the days of Noah, while the ark was being prepared (in which a few, that is, eight souls were saved through water);
(21) which figure now also saves us, baptism; not a putting away of the filth of the flesh, but the answer of a good conscience toward God, by the resurrection of Jesus Christ;
(22) Who is at the right hand of God, having gone into Heaven, where the angels and authorities and powers are being subjected to Him.
Redemption is destined for everyone, not all determined in this life only, but also in the ages to come.
I was considering the coldness and enmity of many people in the past, the most recent one being Casey Overbeek next door. I had tried to be friendly to so many of them, perhaps because I assumed it was the “Christian” thing to do, or I was trying to reach them, or because by nature, as a believer, I was spiritually inclined that way. I was always hoping something would change with them.
Looking back, I feel foolish, not having realized they wanted nothing to do with us. I would return and talk again as though everything was fine. In trying to pretend they weren’t our enemies, the Lord said to me, “Make your enemies now.” I took it to mean, “Call a spade a spade; see it as it is and act accordingly; don’t play games.”
This Scripture comes to mind: “He that is unjust, let him be unjust still: and he which is filthy, let him be filthy still: and he that is righteous, let him be righteous still: and he that is holy, let him be holy still” (Revelation 22:11 KJV).
There was now working in me a deep, heartfelt desire to comfort and embrace the one who makes a mistake, to give life to one in time of need, unlike how I’ve always been – condemning, scolding, criticizing, and harshly, cruelly imparting death. What a horrible, brutish fiend I’ve been!
When one, in compassion, consoles the one who goofed up, showing mercy and understanding, he actually restores, then and there, all losses, physical and otherwise. How? I don’t know, but it happens as surely as the sun rises. In condemnation, all hope of recovery is lost; in compassion, not only is all regained, but improved and increased. It’s true! It’s a miracle of God – He does it. Forgiveness is His choice of goodness and mercy, and solution to loss and failure.
See then, how much in my life (death) I’ve lost! Hear what I say; remember. It is indeed a marvelous, precious truth I’ve never realized. “Love answers all things.”
I was now one day away from an expected death or, at least, I didn’t know what to expect. I was glad, for many reasons, of the prospect of leaving this world.
Physically, I had neck and knee injuries, joint pain, weight issues, and suspected prostate problems.
Mentally, I was never able to comprehend many things.
Emotionally, I was often bad-tempered, angry, anxious, covetous, and fearful.
Socially, my own family and friends rejected me, my wife eagerly awaiting my death to marry a man more than young enough to be her son, who also impatiently awaited my demise.
Spiritually, as far as I was concerned, I’d been a basket case, a loser, a failure.
So who in his right mind would want to stick around under such conditions in this world? I had my faults, weaknesses, and infirmities, and I was sick of them. I wanted to leave and looked forward to it. In my estimation, this life wasn’t worth living. I thought these things not out of self-pity but from a sincere, honest perspective. I decided that unless God gave me a new body, mind, soul, and spirit, I definitely wasn’t interested in hanging around.
I was almost certain that on this tenth day I would be physically departing. And what was I doing on my last day? I wouldn’t call anyone, believing I was to remain isolated from everyone for ten full days. I took out the compost and the garbage, serviced the vacuum cleaners, trimmed the plants, and cleaned up the neighbor’s dog droppings in the yard.
Are these the kinds of activities one ought to occupy himself with on his last day on earth? Evangelist D. L. Moody is known to have said that if he knew it was the last day, he would plant a tree. The ground was now frozen. Perhaps Moody hadn’t thought of that.
This day was the 11th anniversary of my vision of the star hitting the earth. So far, there was nothing at all earth shattering. I would wait to the 24th hour.
Was the Lord coming for me? How would He come? As a man? In Spirit? I think in Spirit. What a strange life, a strange year, the last 10 days, my last day, last hours!
I wasn’t afraid of the approaching hour. Whatever I’d been, I knew this: The Judge of all the earth would do right.
“I wonder what goes on in your minds. Have I missed anything? Consider, do as you should, regardless of all that is said here. I wrote a letter to Archie on the computer and changed it some yesterday. Do as the Lord leads. I have some things to say to a few people. Please pass them on.”
On this last day, strangely enough, I had a word for our neighbor, John Schussler. He was not one to be morally committed, nor was his Mormon marketing manager who advised him to deceptively label his poisonous syrups as “made with all-natural ingredients.” I wrote:
You tell John to take his heart off money and open up. Look at his label of “made with all-natural ingredients” and see that it is misleading. There are “all-natural ingredients” in his product but so are there others, and one of the most lethal in the food industry – refined sugar. And he uses chemicals on the ground for his saskatoon bushes, which pollute his “all-natural ingredient.” Unthinking people pick up his bottle of syrup, read the label, and say within themselves, “Hmm… it’s all natural. Great, I’ll take some,” poisoning themselves unwittingly, because deceived by unscrupulous merchandising.
John! John! What will it take? Were you not once past death’s door? Does that have no impact on you? What will? The grace of God and that alone! (Let him read this if you will.) Pay attention, John; I’m leaving in a few hours, healthy enough, and I’m talking to you. You’re always boasting about dealing people down to as little as possible, not considering you take their life away and leave them sad, bitter, resentful, and poorer in body, soul, and spirit. In essence, you murder. Yes, that is so.
Please listen, for your sake especially. It won’t do to get unfair prices. Yes, you can argue, “They didn’t have to buy it.” I tell you, your arguments will not stand before the Judgment Seat of Christ. In fact, they will dig your hole even deeper in His sight.
Don’t you dare be angry with me, us, for long. I can understand and tolerate an initial negative reaction, my friend, but don’t stay there; don’t. If you heed what I say, things will go well for you; if not, they won’t. I’m not criticizing you, John. I can’t; I’ve been the same way, probably worse.
I can only tell you now that we don’t get away with anything. God is no fool, John. Others you can fool, us you can fool; God you won’t. He will fool you. Turn around, change, and live. There are many good things held in store for those who forsake themselves and their own interests for righteousness’ sake, which until now, you’ve despised.
And go organic. It’s not impossible, as you say it is. Get Acres USA, read and find that many are doing it and more profitably in every way, in all fields of agriculture, big or small – believe it.
There would soon be significant developments for John.
Son, I look at your homemade kite on the ping pong table. Sorry I didn’t help make you one. Jamie said to me one day, “Jonathan said you are going to die.” I replied, “There are different kinds of death.”
Jonathan, God give you the grace to love Him with every part of your being. There’s nothing else worth anything, son. If I’ve given you an impression of God that is undesirable, forgive me. Seek Him out for yourself and find out He’s there for you like nobody can be.
There’s nothing to fear or feel bad about – please believe me – you’ll see. I want you to remember this one thing if nothing else: No matter how impossible your circumstances are, how much trouble you find yourself in, if you call on the Lord, He will hear and be there to help and to save.
Aside from your birth, the only vision I’ve ever had of you, son, was as a sphinx in a desert. You were alone, yet there were many other sphinxes in that same desert, facing the same way – each was alone like you, yet it seemed like you were all together in spirit and purpose. It was good. You are called and chosen and will know it when the time comes. The Lord is with you. It won’t be easy; you’ll have sorrow and suffering, as we all do in this world, but the end will be more than worth it, son. You’ll shine with the saints.
I’m ashamed I went into the mutuals and ashamed before Rick Dempsey. There he was on a believing path of sorts, and there I was preaching and whoring after the riches of this world, also financing corporations and activities evil and harmful to people and the earth. There are the inescapable admonitions of the Scriptures we can explain away, or against which we can rationalize or argue, but in the end we will answer with guilt.
Concerning mammon, the Scriptures are Matthew 6:19-24, 33, Luke 12:21, 1 Timothy 6:7-10, and Hebrews 11:26. Concerning being an example to others:
“But whoever shall offend one of these little ones who believes in Me, it would be better for him that an ass’s millstone were hung around his neck, and he be sunk in the depth of the sea. Woe to the world because of offenses! For it is necessary that offenses come; but woe to that man by whom the offense comes!” (Matthew 18:6-7 MKJV)
The stock market is at once Satan’s playground and torture chamber, and while the world may partake therein, it’s no place for the one who seeks to know and to do God’s will.
“Please apologize to Rick and Cindy, read these things to Rick, and tell him I’m so sorry for the horrible example I’ve been by being in the stock market, seeking to lay up treasures on earth.
‘The love of money, not money, is evil,’ they all reply who wish to pursue financial gain. But the Lord has shown me that he who at first does not love it, but sets out to pursue it, will love it. It is a law. Even the answer they give already reveals the state of the heart as to which master is served. Read all this to Rick.”
“Lois, be strong and courageous, full of faith, as you have been. The Lord is with you. I appreciate having you. Remember Aunt Carrie’s? As you’ve said, ‘Who would have known?’”
“Chris, you’re a fighter. Stop fighting and let the Lord fight for you. I think you’ll find that He can do a better job, and you’ll taste victory in those battles.”
“Nathan, put away your duplicity.”
While I had words concerning other people, I finally recorded, “If Archie ever comes around, see if he can follow up on Randy Wilson – he was the one who planted the seeds on proper eating and organics. Thank Randy, invite him, and let him know what we’re doing, which is partially due to what he shared with us years ago.”
“The Lord give you grace, dear wife, and succour you in this hour of trial and need. The Lord bless you and keep you and make you to be according to His calling. I love you and want all that He would want you to have. (1 Thessalonians 4:13 and f.; John 11:25-26.)”
At the end of my ten-day fast, in the last hour, at 2:50 PM of February 6th, I had just finished adding to a letter written to Archie. All along, I had been telling the Lord, “Take me or change me. I refuse to go on as I am.”
Then rather suddenly, I found myself saying, “Lord, I prefer to go with You or, failing that, I ask You to give me a new body, mind, and spirit… however, if You desire that I continue with weakness and frailty, so be it. Your will be done.”
I went to the kitchen sink, while talking to the Lord, when suddenly I felt His Presence behind me. I spun around, expecting to see Him standing there. I didn’t see Him, but I felt Him. I didn’t hear an audible Word, but He communicated to me. I wouldn’t recognize His Message until the next day when relating the incident to Marilyn.
For those ten days, I had been avoiding food, people, television, papers, phone, radio, and general connection with the outside world. The only person I had to try to avoid was Jamie Overbeek next door, and had successfully done so until this, the 240th hour. Here he comes to the back door near our dining table where I sit.
Less than ONE HOUR before the time is up. What was I to do? I had been feeling for some days that I shouldn’t be legalistic about it. I answered the door, and he asked if I had seen his dog, which was only in recent minutes lost. I told him that in an hour things were going to be very different, but that I would help him if I could. He thanked me and left.
Did I blow it? One of my infirmities had been man-pleasing. I answered the door, seeing him there, not wanting to refuse or reject him. It was far more important, however, that I obey the Lord. I caved to my infirmity. I thought, “There I go! The will of God and the reward in this ten-day fast is all gone now, forever!”
Then I began to realize that here was a clear demonstration of how I still had my infirmities. It was another reminder that it wasn’t about my righteousness; I will always fail, but He will always succeed.
The fast was finished, the job done. But what was it I had sensed in the Lord’s Presence in this last hour of the fast?
Jonathan called just after my final hour was up, around 4 PM on Friday. I was still there. I was thankful to hear his voice and they were certainly wondering what was happening to me. Dead men don’t answer a phone.
They had news for me: They awoke on Wednesday morning, February 4th, to find that the water system had failed. Seeing Chris was in charge of the water, they went to wake him and found his room empty. Nathan was also absent. They assumed the boys were aware of the water problem and were out rectifying it. They soon found out, however, that Chris and Nathan secretly stole away in the middle of the night. Marilyn was shocked.
On the heels of the shock and chagrin, there set in a sense of betrayal. It became obvious that Chris and Nathan had planned details of their exit several days and weeks before, while pretending everything was normal.
However, in prayer, Lois received that the Lord removed the boys and that it was good. Surely, there was always conflict with them. Nathan had left a note. He expressed great bitterness about many things, especially toward Lois. He hated her.
For some reason, perhaps because Nathan and Chris had been among the first to move to the farm with their parents, they somehow felt they partially owned the farm. They resented authority exercised over them, no matter who exercised it. There had been a day when Marilyn and I instinctively felt they needed to be told the farm wasn’t theirs, that Marilyn and I were the owners. When Marilyn announced this to everyone, their countenances and attitudes changed from that day forth.
At one time, I had said, “This farm is yours,” but I spoke not in literal terms. The meaning was simply that all the farm provided was theirs – while they were there, they would be provided for; it was their home. “Our home is your home,” was the idea, as if to a welcome guest. It seems they jumped to the conclusion I was saying they were literal, legal owners, but this is only speculation on my part.
Archie had the same sort of attitude, even proposing that I sign ownership over to him. Perhaps they got their idea from him. They simply didn’t fit in, but we didn’t know what to do.
It’s marvelous what fasting unto the Lord can accomplish. I’ve seen amazing, unexpected results from fasting, sometimes during and also after.
This was the third vision Jonathan had that I know of. He saw a rotting log lying on the ground surrounded by dandelions. There were no flowers on the dandelions, only green leaves. Shadows of unseen trees that were in the background covered the log. An ocean lay in the foreground. It was a summer afternoon.
The time would come that we understood the vision and, somewhat later, the significance of the dandelions.
It’s interesting how the Lord can communicate just by His Presence. The day after the fast, as I related to Marilyn what happened in the last hour, I suddenly realized what He had communicated. When I expressed willingness to serve the Lord with my infirmities, He responded, “I’m so glad. That is what I’ve been waiting to hear.”
I talked to Marilyn, Lois, and Sean about my encounter with Jamie. All believed there was no problem. What occurred to me was that the Lord arranged for me to fail so that I could not walk away from the fast feeling I had accomplished something. We are all in unrighteousness, totally dependent on His mercy. In and of ourselves, we can do nothing right.
Husbands and wives should be able to be perfectly candid with each other, especially if they have faith, but alas, it isn’t always so. Why?
One, they are reluctant or afraid to openly admit a possible deterioration of appreciation and love for each other;
two, they may not even realize their feelings have changed since first meeting and marrying, the change being so gradual;
three, even if they realize their feelings have changed, it may not occur to them that their feelings should be expressed;
and four, they don’t want to hurt each other.
One morning after the fast, a flood of confessions came forth from me. I had never been honest about Marilyn, her looks, and certain of her traits. I had never had a certain kind of attraction for her, but never admitted it, afraid of hurting her. My failure or refusal to be honest and open did more harm than good. I was trying to be kind, overlooking faults and flaws, so as to be the “good Christian husband,” but I was disingenuous. Jesus had said, “Behold, an Israelite indeed, in whom is no guile.”
I confessed hatred for her, yet I knew somehow that such wasn’t accurate – it was and it wasn’t. The dual nature of flesh and spirit within the Christian tends to confuse (one part loves while the other hates). Memories from past states of being can contrast or mix with knowledge of the present state, which confounds.
One also must realize that the way a person is can be confused with what or who he or she is. The former usually changes while the latter seldom does.
Confessing, I was able to joyfully accept her, preferring her as she was to any other way without reciprocation or reward. I confessed everything to the “bottom of the barrel.” Did it feel good! Curiously, I had never meant harm or deception for evil’s sake – much like a boy getting a pair of socks for a gift and painfully putting on the best face to conceal disappointment when one is expected to express gratitude.
Marilyn wasn’t looking for flattery or reassurance of her looks and person so much as honesty, and I hadn’t been honest.
Page 14 PART FOUR– Bernalillo to Moon River (cont.) Particle – Our Twenty-Third Marital Home Archie and Cathie moved out of Ashgrove, renting an acreage from Cam Peat on McNally Road. Marilyn and I found a home to rent at 5 Queens in West Lethbridge, owned by Eugene McNeely. This was Marilyn's and my twenty-third home together, and my fortieth home personally (the number forty represents a full term or generation). Here was another situation where people were trying to sell their home. Failing that, people often decide to rent to make the mortgage payments and have the property tended. It is also more saleable when occupied. Some owners try to make it look like they have no intention of selling, even promising renters they won't sell, but then list the home and sell it, leaving the renter to look for yet another place. This would be our final rental home. We had had enough of renting. Particle – Two Disturbing Financial Incidents At this time, two incidents disturbed me. One was that the rental papers hadn't been filled out properly by McNeely. We discovered that we were perfectly liable for an extra month's rent, with no way out of it. I was alarmed that I hadn't red the agreement more carefully, paying particular attention to the blanks filled in. It seemed like a fraudulent, manipulative move. However, Eugene had no intention of defrauding us, and he corrected the error. The other event occurring at the same time was also disturbing, given my weakness or faul...
PART EIGHT– Day 888 to Victory Man of Sin 3 March 4, 2000 (Uploaded with great conflict to the farm March 25, A.M., 1 day after the 3½ year anniversary of Marilyn's prophecy. Among other things, Mark had red Psalm 50:14-23 and I could see it so very applicable to me.) In giving the Lord thanks, honor, and glory in all that is happening, both good and evil, not so He will change it (though He will) but because it is He Who does these things for good, He has given more of what He has been revealing these past months. Up to March 2, 2000, before the praise and thanksgiving began, I was seeing myself on the negative side of life. I was seeing myself as King Saul, as Nabal, Cain, Esau, Balaam, and as villainous characters in stories such as those of Charles Dickens and others. Truly, all these things were revealed to me about myself. With Job I can heartily confess, “I abhor myself,” and with Paul I can truly say, with full knowledge and conviction, “For I know that in me, that is, in my flesh, dwells no good thing....” That “wicked one” within was exposed and what a vile and ugly one he is, yet concealed under a cloak of faith, piety, holiness, and righteousness these many years. Yet there was always that awareness of him, with the hope that one day deliverance from his tyranny would come with final and ultimate rest ensuing. Relative to our personal situation, I saw myself as a false prophet, and I was in my flesh, as Saul and all the others. Then upon giving myself ear...
Page 16 PART EIGHT – Day 888 to Victory (cont.) Particle – In Timing Square I told Marilyn I wanted to gather everyone together to talk. We tried getting together at the corral, but the twin calves were bawling noisily, so we went to the garden shop. It was uncomfortably warm there, so we stepped out into the square and began to talk. I asked Lois, Trevor, Mark, and Sean to publicly express to me what they were thinking and feeling. Lois declared that they were ready to leave, that they could no longer bear Sean's conduct with them. The Bensons were frustrated. I found Lois faltering, however, almost fearful, and she gave me little in the way of substance or specifics to back her standpoint. Mark and Trevor said very little. I then asked Sean what he thought and felt about everything. He stood there in his usual manner, the perfect victim, innocent, with little to say, primarily giving the impression that he was right in all and they were judging him unfairly. I was momentarily stumped. It seemed, by appearances, that the Bensons were selfish whiners and Sean stood there, as if to say, “What's all the fuss about? I'm looking out for everyone's good and I'm confident in what I'm doing! I have nothing against them like they do against me.” I stood there, doubting, wondering what I should do. “Am I wrong about Sean? Is Marilyn right after all? Is he innocent and simply despised by the Bensons?” I asked myself, “What if I'm wrong? What if the Bensons are wrong?” I well kne...