PART SEVEN – Surprise Visitors to Day 888 (cont.)
I wrote in my journal:
I am evil, a hypocrite, a destroyer; always was. There has been no change in me. I’ve tried to believe, think, and speak right; to love, obey, submit, repent, suffer, accept, thank, rejoice, and do and be all those things I thought were expected of me as a believer in Christ. I’ve failed miserably and suffered the loss of almost all things. Being blind, I probably don’t see clearly at this point that I’ve lost everything.
I criticize, condemn, point the finger, “judge,” “smite with the fist,” “lay heavy burdens,” enslave, impose, demand, trouble, rail, find fault – always. I chafe at things I don’t like; I fret, stew, and verbally, violently retaliate.
I’m that meddling, destructive son of perdition, man of sin, false prophet, anti-Christ, accuser of the brethren, devil, adversary to God, to all good, and to all mankind. I am ‘that wicked one.’ I’m vile and have nothing to do with God or He with me.
No wonder I’ve lost everything! No wonder I’m hated by all, including my ex-wife. I’m a damned soul and have neither the ability nor desire to change. God knows I’ve wanted to be different, or does He know that I haven’t wanted to be different? God damn my soul!
If I don’t destroy myself, God will. If He won’t, I will – I’ve done it. All these years, for decades, I hoped for change, deliverance, resurrection, and healing. I prayed, begged, wished, and cried for it. God hasn’t answered. I’m shit. I don’t see any better with anybody else, except that, unlike me, they don’t get on everyone else’s case, condemning others; that’s the difference. It’s the judging that has slain me.
Particle – A Hell Mate Instead of a Help Mate
Marilyn and I had been in disagreement ever since we first got married. Even on the day after receiving the Spirit of God, I was suddenly annoyed with her. Why? We’d been about as compatible as fire and water, fighting as prey and predator. I know I’ve been brutish, selfish, ignorant, inconsiderate, proud, miserable, stingy, covetous – you name it. Was it all my fault? I think it was both our faults, but the great question is: As born-again believers, how is it we were in such great disagreement?
Earned and deserved or not, I’d had a life of resistance from Marilyn. Once experiencing the very opposite for a brief time with Lois’ help on a little repair project in 1997, it felt so good to have cooperation. I thought, “Wow! Have I missed out! Is this ever different!” It was so pleasant in contrast to what was the story of our lives – constant strife.
Understand: The situation with Lois had nothing to do with romance or marital notions; Lois is my mother’s sister. It was strictly the experience of having a willing helper’s cooperation that spoke to me.
I never ever had that harmony in working with Marilyn – not a hint of it. There was only a mode of peace between us if she worked alone and I worked alone. We could never work together, not without bloodletting and fur-flying. I’m ashamed to admit this, but it’s true.
Marilyn, it seems, always expected me to be her helpmate, doing things her way. I was critical of the Wheelers who lived across the street from us. “Boy, does she control him!” I would say. Marilyn would talk of how Kay would work Al up and send him out raging at the things and people troubling her. Kay did it to me by Al on November 10, 1989. But I now saw it was no different with us, years before we ever saw it with them. “She jerks his chain,” I would say, and truly, I, without realizing it, was speaking from experience. Perhaps Marilyn just had a more subtle way of doing it.
Sean would be her next “go-fer.” He was a helper. “See how he helps me,” she once said to me. Indeed; understandable. In his state, he loved her, cooperated as a son, as one younger and in need, and received from her what he may have desired from his mother and never got. And Marilyn ate it up.
Everywhere I looked, I saw wives dominating men, controlling, manipulating, and making the final decisions in the things in which the wives chose to rule. Are women the weaker vessels? How? Physically? Does that count for anything? Doesn’t that make them more powerful, as with babies that get anything they want because they cry and are cute and helpless? They both bear rule with tears among other things. Their power is made strong in weakness. The difference between women and babies is that women can think and strategize, tempt and persuade. Didn’t Jezebel rule Ahab, king of Israel?
I must confess I was bitter. Like a calf to the slaughter I went, knowing nothing. I’d been a prisoner of my past, of my internal troubles, my infirmities, and my marriage. If there was to be any mercy or redemption, it would feel good, so very good indeed.
The dog that’s been leashed a long time will run when let loose, if his spirit isn’t destroyed. Let a cow out of a corral after being penned up a long time, and she’ll fly out the gate with her tail up.
Marilyn said we were never one, never a team, much less husband and wife. Was it either of our faults? Or both? I couldn’t blame her, though I was bitter. If anything, she needed healing and not hurting, deliverance and not condemnation. I think we both need healing and deliverance.
I didn’t know my right hand from my left, good from evil, right from wrong, grace from Law. I’d lost all judgment and spiritual sight. There was a duality raging within me. I was reminded of Lois’ vision and of my two battle visions. This appeared to be my Armageddon. Sean told me I needed to believe the literal, physical fulfillment of Marilyn’s prophecies. I didn’t believe him.
Particle – Seven Things the Lord Tells Me of “The Seven ”
In struggling about the hard letters I’d been sending Les and Penny, Barny and Helgrid, Mark and Amanda, Gene and Vicky and others, the Lord told me four things: one, be what you are; two, write Gene (as you purpose); three, the Knorrs and Mills don’t know the Law and despise it; four, don’t get familiar with them; five, they are of the synagogue of Satan; six, by them, Satan disputes about your body; and seven, you don’t have much time left.
This November 10th would be 777 days from the prophecy. Lamech, Noah’s father, who prophesied of Noah giving the people of God rest, was 777 years old when he died. It was on November 10th (forty days after the first day of the tenth month) that Noah opened the window of the ark. On February 27th, Noah and his family left the ark. It was about, if not precisely, that date that I was first converted to the Lord in 1973 (I wish I had kept a record of the exact day).
Who says there is no God?
Particle – Les Mills, Mark Ogden, and Gene Knorr Receive Revelation of Us
Les came for a visit on September 11, 1998. He told me he saw hanky-panky going on with Sean and Marilyn. His wife, Penny, didn’t believe him. Mark Ogden had said he saw Marilyn as the kingpin of the farm, running everything. His wife, Amanda, didn’t believe him. Mark also said that, in praying about the letters I sent them, he felt that I was hurting because of where Marilyn was at and what she was doing.
In my surprise and perhaps because it was so different having someone see things my way during this difficult time, I showed Les my prophecy and what was going on in our midst. The Lord had just commanded me not to get familiar with them. What I did contradicted that commandment. I was disobedient, whether deliberately or otherwise.
Les told me he wanted to go to the farm and speak to Marilyn and Sean. I told him to do what he believed he needed to do. This was on September 12th, precisely 5 months or 153 days from the day they appeared at the farm on April 12th.
Particle – Vision: I Losing Ground, Repenting, Regaining
When I cursed myself and my lot, Jonathan had a vision. He saw a man on a camel in the distance, in a desert with sand and flat thistles, which looked harmless. The man wore a helmet. In the near distance there were mountains and, closer yet, palm trees.
Suddenly the man disappeared and reappeared, landing in the foreground, the camel remaining where it was. He pointed his index finger upward and above it was a red “1” bordered in gold. I said, “That’s me. In cursing, I’ve just lost ground in my way, with an oasis close by. The reality of victory was so close, yet so far because of my attitude. The Lord is also taking away my camel – which is life in a desert.”
Jonathan then said, “I just had another vision. The man walked back to the camel and got on.” I said, “In confessing my fault, the Lord has permitted me back on the camel.” I had no reason to curse and bemoan my lot – the thistles were harmless, and I was provided with the necessary means to accomplish what was required.
Particle – News of Gord and Joan Fuller
I last saw Gord Fuller in Winnipeg at the Kenneth Copeland “Crusade” in 1980 when we were there with Art and Doreen Beals. We were glad to see him and invited him to our home, but plainly the feelings weren’t mutual. Gord was contemptuous of us and boastful of his works, claiming even to have brought the dead back to life.
Les Mills, who seemed to know many people on a personal basis, knew Gord and reported to us of happenings with the Fullers. Joan Fuller ended up in the hospital seriously ill and was supposed to have died. Gord prayed for her and she seemed to come back to life. He went home to make preparations for her homecoming when he received a call that she had passed away. (I’m almost certain I don’t have all the details accurate, but the report was along these lines in essence and principle, if not in detail.)
Gord was ultimately kicked out of his church because of some sort of disagreement, and his daughter married a no-good preacher who claimed to have received the Spirit but hadn’t. Gord withdrew from society for some time, but finally came out and married a woman much younger than he, and at this point, Les said they had four children.
How news gets around! What a small world! Were these things true? Les had no reason to lie to me, viewing Gord as a friend and speaking highly of him at times, saying he was a man of true miracles, delivering people from devils and being sought by many for healing. What did they have to say about me? It didn’t matter.
Particle – Vision: I Land on Another Planet
During the time that the Mills, Knorrs, and Ogdens were involved with us, I had a vision. I saw myself in a space suit, self-contained, landing on a foreign world, as if on a desolate planet. As I landed, I saw about half a dozen persons in similar suits running toward me from a distance. They were equidistant apart, spread out about thirty or forty feet from each other, in a straight line across from me.
I couldn’t tell if they were friend or foe. While my suit was white, their suits were off-white. Suspecting or realizing them to be foes, I rushed them head-on to break through their line and keep going. I was stocky and powerful and almost angry. I drove my fist through the midsection of the first one, demolishing him on the spot. I kept going, not looking back, but I wondered if they were going to turn about and come after me.
I concluded that the persons of the vision were Les, Gene, Mark, and their wives. They were out to destroy me. As it turns out, they showed their colors and went on to suffer the fruits of their ways. It wasn’t good for them, and none of them would listen to me.
Particle – Jonathan’s Guidance Kept Private
On the night of September 14th, Jonathan told me he received guidance from the Lord, which he said he had the choice whether to share with me or not. He said he didn’t have to tell me. I suppose he didn’t.
Particle – Five Consecutive Days of Significant Events
From September 20-24, 1998, there were five significant events:
September 20th – Barny Knelsen removed his cloak of godliness and attacked us. This day was 88 days after Jonathan’s vision of the two boulders and 88 days to November 17th, the day Noah’s dove returned with an olive leaf in its bill. I saw this as a turning point for me, being able to accept Barny’s attack with peace and conviction that he represented the enemy and that I was firmly founded on the Rock of Ages, the Truth. At one time, I would have faltered and fainted in such circumstances.
September 21st – Rosh Hashanah, the beginning of the Jewish year. The Feast of Tabernacles has been very significant to us, particularly the 10th day of the seventh month (July 10th on the Gentile calendar), the Day of Atonement, nine days after Rosh Hashanah on the Jewish calendar.
September 22nd – The first day of Jonathan’s eighth year, “eight” representing new things.
September 23rd – I completed and sent a six-page letter to the Mills, Knorrs, Ogdens, and Barny Knelsen. This finalizing letter drew the battle line and concluded my assessment of their spiritual position and nature, publicly declaring so. I see this as the fulfillment of the vision I had of stepping on a new planet and going on the offensive with those difficult to distinguish as friends or enemies, and also fulfilment of the prophecy from Don Morrison of my foot stepping on foreign soil.
(On March 13, 2015, I googled Mark and Amanda Ogden and found Amanda’s obituary. She died on January 16, 2014.)
September 24th – The anniversary of Marilyn’s prophecy, around which many events and timings are divinely assembled.
Particle – My Circumstances Do Not Rule
I found something very significant within me in the situation with these people. In times past, I would speak to others of their sins in boldness only if all was right and comfortable with me in my circumstances. However, if things weren’t right for us, for example if we had sickness, financial pressures, automotive problems, or any other troubles, I would not only be reticent to speak to others and address their wrongs in no uncertain terms, I would grovel and even go about apologizing for past harshness, criticism, judgmentalism, and such, as with the Taals.
But now, in spite of circumstances as severe as I have rarely known, which circumstances were seen and judged by my enemies as evil, I stood boldly addressing them, without wavering or doubting. In fact, I rejoiced! I now served not in self-righteousness (“If all is well with me, God is with me; if all is not well with me, God is not with me, so who am I to speak?”) but in the Lord’s righteousness, with my infirmities, as it pleased the Lord. This was new, this was different; this was great and wonderful.
Particle – The Judgment of Barny Knelsen
Barny, hearing of Marilyn’s prophecy and having received my September 23rd letter to him and the others, declared her prophecy witchcraft and all of us in witchcraft. He particularly resented what I had to say about him and Helgrid. It struck at his pride and self-righteousness. I wrote:
What is Helgrid afraid of? She’s afraid of me. She’s afraid of the truth, of the Lord, of having to make a final decision one way or another, of choosing the truth, of whether or not she would know the truth when it came in a sea of conflicting views, opinions, doctrines, and claims, having to choose reality. She’s afraid of the conflict that would naturally arise within her and from her husband, whom she, in her heart, knows is in darkness and in whom she cannot therefore be confident, but rather must be insecurely skeptical. That is Helgrid.
This is a part of what I wrote to Barny in a public letter to them all:
Barny Knelsen, you are a damned fool (these words not used loosely). I have heard your speech now on a few occasions. I repeat: You, sir, are a damned fool. You say the Father “affirms you as His son,” but I say that you neither know Him nor do you care to. You are full of works, the works of men, walking in the paths of the destroyer, destroying, and are utterly faithless.
Full of contradiction, you seek to be a hero, a savior; you seek the glory of men and honor of men and, yes, you very much do seek to have authority and power over others, all if possible. Your eye is not at all single. You too are proud, presumptuous, and very ignorant… ignorant of God, ignorant of His ways, ignorant of the Scriptures and the power of them, and contemptuous of His Laws because contemptuous of Him.
You’re also ignorant of basic, earthly matters of which you ought not to be ignorant if you had a shred of concern for justice and truth and righteousness. You’re a manpleaser, but you hate all those you flatter with your absurdities and blasphemies, feigning love and sincerity. You’re a bastard who refuses learning, correction, discipline, and the entry of truth that you might be saved.
You know it all and will not listen to anything except in the way of bare necessity in terms of social grace and manners. Even there you fail miserably to conceal your pretensions.
Particle – Marilyn’s Vision: Gene Knorr in Darkness
Marilyn had a vision of Gene. He was in darkness. A light was shone on him, and he shielded his eyes from it because not acquainted with the light and rejecting it. I had been trying to share the truth with him.
Particle – So Strong and So Weak
“I’m damn good at what I do.”
“ I’m the only real one around here.”
Trevor Benson saw himself as Rambo, a hero, constantly, egotistically living in a dream world. He was forever promoting himself, a legend in his own mind. “Trevor the Great” he would scrawl in the sand. Yet so much of what he planned needed prevention, and everything he touched needed repair, redoing, and supervision. A child can’t be left to itself in circumstances requiring maturity. When would he change? Why was he so bent on self-glorification? How could he be so blind to himself?
People liked Trevor; he would always smile childishly, looking for attention and, in his vanity, would interpret scorn, sarcasm, and insults as compliments, or he would welcome almost any attention as good. People used him in his simplicity. He needed protection from others and from himself.
Particle – God Comes in Appearance of Evil
If the Lord comes with clouds (Revelation 1:7), disguised and shrouded, and if light must be paralleled to goodness and darkness to evil (Isaiah 45:7), it is necessary that He appears evil. Did He not say that He comes as an evil entity – a thief (Revelation 16:15)?
Consider: Noah came as a fool; Abraham as a transient; Jacob as a trickster and supplanter, cheating his own brother; Israel, the chosen people of God, as a wandering, slavery-class people; Moses as a desert loser; Joseph as a criminal and rapist; David as a murderer; Jesus’ mother Mary as a fornicator; John the Baptist as a madman; the Son of God as a presumptuous, poor, uneducated commoner; and the apostle Paul as a treacherous, seditious, self-seeking troublemaker. If light is to be concealed, the only option is to darken it. If God, being good, must come concealed, must He not come as one evil or unacceptable?
Why must He come concealed? Because we must go by faith and not by what is seen. Jesus didn’t come to join us in this realm of darkness, but to bring us into His Kingdom of Light. We must enter not by sight but by faith.
Particle – Satan Comes in Appearance of Good
You could say then, “Hitler came as evil so maybe he was as God or was representing Him.” No, Hitler came as good. He preached virtue and all good things until his real nature and agenda were exposed. Religion also comes as noble and godly, but in the end, it perverts and destroys all that is good. Does not Satan, whom Jesus calls the liar, thief, and murderer, come as an angel of light and his ministers as those in righteousness (2 Corinthians 11:13-15)?
Here is the judgment the Mills, Knorrs, Ogdens, and Knelsens would have made on the following: They would have spared all those in Canaan. They would have spared Agag and all the livestock, as did Saul, who pretended to do it in piety. Unlike Solomon, they would have spared Adonijah, Shimei, Joab, and especially Abiathar the priest, because he was a priest. They would have condemned Abraham for purposing to sacrifice his son, denouncing his intention as abominable. They would have spared Ananias and Sapphira, comforted Esau, and rebuked Jacob and his mother for stealing Esau’s birthright and blessing. On the other hand, they would have crucified the Lord and stoned Stephen, then garnished their tombs (all of which they did indeed do).
Particle – More Peculiar Dates and Timings
September 30, 1998 marked the end of the third year of the farm. It was also Yom Kippur, or the Hebrew equivalent to July 10th, and this day was 40 days to November 10th.
On October 1st, the day we took possession of the farm, Noah could see the tops of the mountains.
Particle – Jason Receives Direction
Lois’ son, Jason, was calling about once every 3 weeks from the Remand Center in Red Deer while awaiting trial. Lois didn’t know what to say to him and was praying for an answer. On October 1st, I received a Word from the Lord for him. He was to confess and acknowledge his guilt before all and God would be with him to keep him. If he attempted to avoid answering for his crime, God would be against him. I gave the message to Lois to give to him.
That evening Jason called, and Lois gave him the message. One, two, three, four steps in one day – she asked, I received the Word, Jason called, and she gave him the message.
Who says there is no God?
Particle – Wives Rule Over Husbands
I learned that Marilyn had ruled my life. I didn’t know it until I had the opportunity to come away and spend much time alone. As I reflected, I began to realize that everywhere I turned, I saw wives ruling husbands. It may be subtle or obvious, directly or indirectly, deliberately or unconsciously, but it is so.
This is what is known as the “original sin.” It is also referred to as the “fall of man” in the Garden of Eden. What is not specified is that man turned from obedience to God to follow his wife. She subjected herself to the serpent, and therefore the man, following his wife, was made subject to the serpent instead of to God.
Where the woman rules the man, salvation is not complete. I know of no exceptions to the reality of female dominance, at least not in our society, though it may appear otherwise. Even where men beat their wives, I see it as a struggle and rebellion against the power women exercise, in their weakness as well as their strength, and men have been powerless because having willfully abandoned God (when it comes to a proper relationship to God). This revelation led me to write The Vashti-Esther Transmutation.
Particle – Barny’s Barrage
On October 4th, Barny Knelsen called, incensed about my letter to him. He raged while I had no choice but to be silent or hang up. I chose the former. He wouldn’t listen to anything. He told me that I was playing games with them, that I was a warlock, a schizophrenic; two or three times he called me a jerk, mental, deluded, and anti-Christ. I was able to say, “If I’m wrong, all will be made manifest, and also if I’m right. I can do no other than to take the way that I take, lest I should disobey God. Let the Lord be judge over all of this.”
He continued, saying I should get counseling. He said that I was guilty of blasphemy and that I was getting orgasmic pleasure in writing these letters, promoting myself, and that he had spoken to many people about me and they all faulted me, to a man. He declared that he demonstrated the fruit of the Spirit to everyone, particularly love, which I did not. He also asked me if I was planning on committing suicide.
I was surprised at his violent eruption and yet I wasn’t. All the colors I saw hidden in him came out. I wasn’t the least fazed by him and I knew the Lord would do what was needed with him.
He related a dream wherein he saw a stunt pilot flying upside down, in the process killing his wife. He said I was that pilot killing Marilyn. Marilyn and I both agreed that if there was anything to the dream, he was the man. In any case, with his religious antics, he was certainly killing Helgrid. She was a dead woman. How wicked the religious are!
Why did these people, this synagogue of Satan, confront me at this time? I looked the dragon in the face, seeing him for what he was; to see him for what he is, is to overcome him. I have overcome. Now it is the Lord’s Day.
Then I heard these words, “Because you have forsaken your life, having laid down your life for your wife, therefore will I give you a hundred wives, even hundreds.” I recall the Lord telling me not long ago that because I was willing to, and did forsake all (my all), therefore He was going to give me all (His all).
Because Barny tried to prevent me from giving up my wife, and because he was selfishly protective of his, therefore he would lose his wife.
I wanted to reverse the curse with which I had cursed Marilyn in 1996, telling her to “go to Hell.” On October 5th, the day after Barny called and cursed me, I blessed her. It so happened to be the Feast of Tabernacles. It was 88 days forward to January 1, 1999, the 24th anniversary of Marilyn and my receiving the Spirit of God. Going 88 days back took us to July 10th. (Most, if not all, of these datings are measured consistently; this one includes both of the days mentioned. Am I taking liberties now? Perhaps.)
On October 8th, the Lord strongly impressed upon me that I had to accept and be what I am, and not try to be what I think I should be or try to be something I’m not. So often have I faulted myself for strongly criticizing others, thinking, “This is not the Christian way,” because of my background in the harlot church, which originally taught me its pretentious love and “Christian charisma.”
Of course, “strong criticism” is relative. While some have criticized, others have condemned, destructively fought, and even killed. While diplomats try their best to be “nice,” prophets, as John the Baptist, Jeremiah, Nathan, and Moses – some examples of many – had to tell it like it is, not only risking, but suffering, the wrath of their hearers, especially their own people.
The problem with the harlot church is that it insists one throw out the baby with the bathwater. “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all,” asserting the truth must be compromised for the sake of peaceful relations. No, that’s altogether the wrong thing to do, and it never works. Evil and error can only be purged by the Word of God, by the Truth – never by affected love, only by that which is unaffected.
I’d always wanted to be loved and accepted, so I’ve done everything to that end. Now, I was having to forsake desirable relations with others to do the right thing. I must love rather than be loved. For my love, they hate me. Is that why they killed the prophets, apostles, and saints?
Particle – In the Twinkle of an Eye
The Lord told me my end would come as the “flipping of a pancake.” He said that I wouldn’t be dying. Paul Cohen told me he saw a squirrel bury an acorn but then quickly uncover it. He believed he saw this unusual sight as speaking of what was coming for me. The apostle Paul spoke of the time of the coming of the Lord when we would be changed:
“Behold, I shew you a mystery: We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed, in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trump: for the trumpet shall sound, and the dead shall be raised incorruptible, and we shall be changed. For this corruptible must put on incorruption, and this mortal must put on immortality” (1 Corinthians 15:51-53 KJV).
Particle – Jonathan’s Vision: Work in the World to Come
On October 14th, Marilyn asked if there was work in the world to come. I thought it a strange question and said, “Of course, there is.” Jonathan spoke up and said, “Dad, I just had a vision.” He saw a man in work clothes, with cowboy hat, moustache, and bushy eyebrows. Over his head, he was swinging a lariat in which was a huge boulder. He did it with ease. There were many boulders all around him of various sizes. He had on a worn beige jacket and the ground was beige.
I immediately interpreted the vision to show that there would be work in the world to come, but that it would be far more productive, easier, and pleasurable. As a kid, I always wanted to be a cowboy, a work I thought was a pleasurable one.
Adam and Eve didn’t work by the sweat of the brow, with inefficiency, pain, and sorrow before the day of disobedience, but they did work. Their assignment was to dress the Garden and keep it. I see the reconciliation within as a restoration to Edenic conditions – one of peace, tranquility, and pleasure in restful labor. It will be so interesting to see the restoration’s completion. (See again the prophecy for Harvest Haven.)
Particle – Greater Than Moses and Elijah
Perhaps it was mischievous of me, but occasionally I liked to tell people I was greater than Moses or Elijah. Their reactions were interesting; most didn’t believe me, and some even mocked, but then I proved my assertion by the Scriptures.
The interesting thing about nominal Christianity, fundamentalist evangelicals included, is that they don’t believe what the Bible has to say (most of them barely even know what it says):
“Truly I say to you, Among those who have been born of women there has not risen a greater one than John the Baptist. But the least in the Kingdom of Heaven is greater than he” (Matthew 11:11 MKJV).
Why do they not believe the Bible or me? It’s because they haven’t known God. To such, Jesus said:
“He who is of God hears God’s Words. Therefore you do not hear them because you are not of God” (John 8:47 MKJV).
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Part I ~ Part II ~ Part III ~ Part IV ~ Part V ~ Part VI ~ Part VII ~ Part VIII ~ Part IX ~ Part X ~ Part XI ~ Part XII
Page 15 PART TWO – Pentecost to Israel (cont.) Particle – A Sense of Betrayal I felt the Lord had let me down, if not betrayed me. How could I trust Him in anything? How could I believe Him? Why would He lead me on like this? Why would He not have told me plainly that David was going to die? What was wrong with me that He wouldn't talk to me? I had tried to believe what God told me over a year ago, that David was healed. I was shocked, not only with the sorrow of David's death, but also because my own spiritual condition or position was questionable now. I had declared that David would live; others had declared that he would die, and he died. They hadn't believed, while I thought I had; yet they were right, and I was wrong. Once again, I was the religious fool. Particle – Hard Realities With all the grief, my parents didn't want us to leave their place now. I feel badly that I wasn't capable of loving and comforting them. I was so hard, so judgmental and unfeeling. However, so were they, and I have learned that hard draws and needs hard. Particle – Buying for the Buried or for the Buriers? My parents asked me to help them decide what to buy for the funeral. Because everyone dearly loved David, he being that gentle, humorous, friendly soul, many would have readily done almost anything for him. What also made it so hard was that he was leaving us in his youth. Still, being the practical-minded one, I suggested they get by with minimum expenses. “Why feed an ex...
Page 11 PART FOUR– Bernalillo to Moon River (cont.) Particle – Archie to Open Up or Else I found myself incessantly having to get Archie to express himself. He was always withholding his thoughts. One day, Archie said the Lord spoke to him saying, “If you don't tell Victor what is going on, I'm going to send the devils in again.” I solemnly warned Archie to heed those words with all his heart, that it would be a great tragedy to go back to where he had been. For a time, it seemed he made the effort, confessing doubts, disagreement, and resentment toward me. Particle – Not Sparing the Rod Believing the counsel of Scripture to corporally discipline children where necessary, though not limited to physical chastisement, we moved Archie and Cathie to enforce spankings. There would be many spankings for all of the children. They were so often disobedient. I look back at those times in great regret. While we didn't witness the spankings, and didn't know their extent, we'd get reports from the children on occasion that they were sometimes severe. Did they do any good? God alone knows. It doesn't at all seem so. I do believe that unless punishment or discipline is administered with wisdom and love, it can do more damage than good. Particle – Golf There were times of stress with all of us in a small home and with Archie and Cathie resisting. Marilyn and I needed to get out. That winter was often mild enough to go golfing at Bridge Valley and Henderson Lake...
Page 10 PART SIX– Harvest Haven to Surprise Visitors (cont.) Particle – Marilyn's Bitterness “Marilyn” means “bitterness.” I spoke to her that morning and got absolutely nowhere. She said she saw what I saw of her, but she didn't change. She continued to demand, boss, dictate, argue, interrupt, and adamantly insist on her rightness, way, and beliefs. I was helpless. Again, behind my back, she conducted conversation with Lois, who stood with her. On my walk, I begged You, Lord, to open my eyes, ears, and heart that I might see, hear, and understand. If wrong, correct, rebuke, even kill, but get it over with. “What is going on?” I asked, pleading with You. Immediately, the thought came: “Power struggle, two entities vying for power, authority.” Of course! For 23 years, we had battled! We hadn't been man and wife, but competing partners. Marilyn had been a tyrant in my life. In these days alone at home, I felt such a wonderful relief. At times, I'd been somewhat lonely and yet very relieved. After all these years, I began to realize the utter control Marilyn had over every aspect of my life. She was a tyrant, a dictator, and a smooth one at that. I have many times also seen her colors come out when she didn't get her way, even in small things, and if her schedule ever had to change, she was almost beside herself. She told me how when her mother left when she was 12, she wasn't going to let anyone anywhere know th...