PART SIX– Harvest Haven to Surprise Visitors (cont.)
Mickey sent me Walsch’s book and I red it. I replied by letter; here are excerpts of that letter:
You may not be very receptive to comments I wish to make on Conversations with God, perhaps because it seemed to answer some questions for you or to offer you solace and even entertainment at a time of great lows, as you said. But I do it in hope of better things, with full conviction that what I say can be very valuable. Here goes:
I would first like to say that Walsch’s entity says many true things about men, their foolish imaginations, erroneous doctrines, and false notions of God. Many things he says are open to interpretation; they may be right and they may be wrong. However, it’s not my intent, nor the purpose of this letter, to find agreement with you, because it’s plain to me the entity isn’t serving the Lord Jesus Christ, and is certainly condemning the testimony of Holy Scripture, which Author is God.
Why would God condemn His own words and work? (I’m not only assuming, but know, the Bible to be His Word and Work.) My intention here is to point out and to warn gullible seekers of the hidden and subtle poison that is there, which, if they eat the mixture of truth and error that is being served, they will not live, but die….
The case is simple: If it’s God speaking in this book, then the Bible is a piece of trash, a dangerous one at that. Furthermore, don’t entertain the thought that perhaps some of this book is God speaking and some of it is Walsch’s own thought, thinking it to be God. God doesn’t share His glory with another. He doesn’t mingle with man and leave any doubt, in the final analysis, as to who is speaking when He does speak. And He never contradicts Himself as does this entity….
Walsch wanted the “good life.” He wanted knowledge, not the will of God. Eve fell for this very thing: “And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat.” So has Walsch eaten….
You called me after reading this book, saying, “We were on the right track.” Mickey, while you were with us, you and we were on the right track. I know that. But months before you left, when we were first getting acquainted, the Lord had informed us that you would not be around for long. According to His Word, in July, you told us you were going back to Saskatoon to rejoin Mount Zion Christian Centre and your former pastors. We parted ways. You thought we should follow. We sought the Lord, Who nixed it….
Months earlier, before we parted company in Prince Albert, I had a dream that the angels of God had pulled us off to the side of a busy highway for our safety, we being headed in the wrong lanes, against the traffic, while they let you go on, and I saw Dave going with you, all of you laughing and having a fun time….
When I dropped into your home in Prince Albert in 1976, while you were selling it to go to Saskatoon, Lynn scoffed to my face (she couldn’t hide it any longer), at the thought that you should listen to us rather than we to you. The colors came out. Months later, after going our ways, we received a letter from you wherein you said that if we did not come to Saskatoon, we would fall prey to the “vicious delusion of the enemy”….
But what happened in the end, Mickey? Though our path has been hard and trying, the Lord has greatly blessed us. Today we hear His voice, receiving revelation and direction. He has kept us, abundantly blessing us beyond our expectations. You went to Saskatoon, took David with you, and became prey to the “vicious delusion of the enemy” yourselves….
More than once you will see that prophecies of doom intended for us were visited on those prophesying; on occasion, remarkably specifically. Continuing the excerpts:
Mickey, from what I understand, you were into the spiritual for the fun, the glory, the adventure. Truly, the path of God is not that way, but through the cross. As Jesus said, “He that doesn’t take up his cross and follow Me, denying himself, is not worthy of Me”….
Today, I give you Scripture, referred to as the Scripture of Truth. But I well remember that you folks had very little stomach for the Bible. Oh, pleasant, convenient, pet verses were okay, some attractive passages in song quite entertaining, but to take and to swallow the whole counsel of God, the bitter with the sweet, was abhorrent to you – it really was. And you deemed us to be unlearned and legalistic to be constantly focused on the Bible….
In your wisdom you have suffered, your children have suffered, and you will all continue to do so. You entertain this diabolical book with pleasure because pleasure is your motivation, not the will of God. So it is with Walsch and countless others. Why not repent (change your mind and direction, turn around, forsake your own understanding) and embrace that of which many prophets and saints have spoken and laid down their lives to deliver to others for their sakes and the Lord’s? Jesus said, “And you shall know the truth and the truth will make you free”….
This is no game, Mickey. I’ve staked my entire life on it and know whereof I speak. These are matters of life and death and I know them and treat them as such, unlike you heretofore. It isn’t too late. Come out of your shell, hasten “the uptake” and begin a new and worthwhile life. I don’t promise a rose garden or a path free of holes and rocks, storms, adversaries and the like, but I do promise that if you believe and hear what I have to say, taking it to heart and acting on it, and continue to do so, you’ll have the crown of life and it will all be far more than worth it in the end. That, I guarantee, not that I can guarantee anything of myself, but truth and righteousness do….
When I invited you to come for a few days, I didn’t expect you to accept, though in earlier phone calls you eagerly suggested and declared your desire to get together with us. Then, when I called, you said, “I’ll have to think about it.” What I had shared with you was too heavy – you have one tough time with reality. The irony of it is that what you despise and fear can be your salvation, and by shunning it, you end up with those very things you fear.
In my 24 years of walking with God, whenever anyone has said, “I’ll have to think or pray about it,” the interpretation I gradually learned was, “Mmm, I don’t think so.” I ever hope that one is as the justified servant, in the parable Jesus gave, who at first said, “No,” but later obeyed, and not as the other one who said, “Yes,” to his father’s request but then didn’t follow through.
We didn’t hear from Mickey again. He wanted perishables, not the imperishable.
No man can give to God that which God desires and requires of him. What is that? It is perfection of spirit and nobility of soul. How may that be defined or manifest? It is this way:
We all act on incentive. We usually do something if there’s some kind of payback for us. And God has promised that He would immensely bless and reward those who believe and obey Him:
“And everyone who left houses, or brothers, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for My Name’s sake, shall receive a hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life” (Matthew 19:29 MKJV).
However, the Lord is looking for that condition of heart wherein one will do His will even if there is no reward, but simply because it is the right thing to do. He made this known to me years ago and I have wanted to be that person.
Yes, God has blessed me every time I have sacrificed or obeyed when it cost me. Every act of faith and obedience has been far more than worth the cost. However, will we obey, will we do the right thing at all cost and no reward? Do we love Him that much? That is what God is after and only He can make it happen.
One may then say, “But isn’t there the satisfaction of pleasing God? Is one not still doing it for reward?” The answer is, “Yes, except that now he does it not because of what he will receive but because of what he has already received.” As it is written:
“I delight to do Your will, O My God; and Your Law is within My heart” (Psalms 40:8 MKJV).
There were many times since I became a believer that I fasted, but with these trying circumstances came the greatest fast so far.
Food fasting for spiritual reasons is a battle in body, soul, and spirit. It will precipitate questions: “Is God leading me or is this my own idea?” and “What do I expect from this fast?” and “For how long should I fast?” Especially during the fast, one can struggle with how long is enough. Is it done after one day, three days, a week, a month, forty days (as with Jesus, Moses, and Elijah), or longer? One is assailed with doubts: “Maybe I’m putting myself through this for nothing. How can going without food do anything for me in my spiritual life?”
Intentionally or otherwise, people may be there to discourage one from fasting, especially those closest. God will not give agreement, understanding, or empathy to those one expects would be there for support. Food and drink will do their part to tempt, as well. If the one fasting is near food, temptation can be there in strength.
Here are some details of my fast, both physical and spiritual, to let fasters know what to expect and how to deal with the challenges.
I began the fast weighing 171 pounds (approx. 77 kg), on the eve of Sunday, July 20. This was 299 days after Marilyn’s prophecy of September 24, 1996, saying the Lord was taking me. I drank filtered water, however much I desired. Hunger was there from the beginning. Some have the notion they’ll have a miraculous reprieve from natural needs and cravings while fasting, perhaps because they’re fasting unto the Lord. If it happens, fine, but don’t expect it – fasting is normally warfare with a real enemy coming by the world, the flesh, and the devil.
On Day Three, July 23, I caved to temptation and ate 5 Nanking cherries and 5 raspberries out of our yard, but resumed the fast from there. I recorded physiological developments a person new in these matters is able to observe.
By Day Four, weakness was setting in and I was often tempted to eat. By Day Five, I was ashamed of how I had been serving my belly. I was also convicted of being in idolatry of Jonathan. He wasn’t too interested in talking to me until this realization came, along with confession and repentance of it. Then Jonathan opened up, for which I was thankful.
As days passed, I noticed that I could have used some kind of colon cleanse in preparation for the fast (my bowels weren’t cleared for many days). There was some gas and belching, and I noticed that my spittle attracted flies. In the first five days, I lost 11 pounds, and was very hungry and weak, with a strong temptation to eat.
On Day Six, I thirsted more than hungered. I had a small growth over my right eye for years. It diminished to a third its size. I developed a sore in my nose, the kind I would get if I ate too much of something rich; soon, it disappeared.
During this time, I found some books on fasting by Franklin Hall, which I had picked up at garage sales: Glorified Fasting – ABC’s and Atomic Power with God. While I couldn’t agree with all he said, I found them helpful.
I found the name and number of an owner of these books, Tom Galloway, who lived in Lethbridge. I called him and received some advice on longer term fasting. I don’t recall what the advice was and don’t think it really mattered.
On Day Seven, Paul, Kerri and I visited Jason at the Remand Center in Calgary. On our trip, Paul and Kerri began complaining about what was happening at the farm. Kerri had ideas she wished to see materialize, but saw Marilyn and Sean as obstacles. By the end of the trip, they felt like my fasting was done, but I knew I had to keep going. “They of your house will be your foes.”
On Day Eight, the Lord was showing me that we were all in “wrongness,” utterly corrupt in all our ways. A sorrow and shame now resided with me for the way I had been all these years – so shameful. God’s will be done.
I was going for my customary 2.2-kilometer walk every day. My 28-year-old injury of the right knee was bothering me during the fast more than usual, but gradually the pain diminished and was gone.
On Day Nine, I found that my carnal drives for food and sex remained (Franklin Hall spoke of those), though people offering spiritual counsel on fasting would say these disappear at some point. A great part of the purpose for fasting is to “mortify the flesh,” to subdue and deny the cravings of the body, as well as to humble the soul by affliction (denial and discipline), thus opening up the realm of awareness and understanding in the spiritual.
“Why,” I asked, “does it keep coming to me that I won’t be dying?” I wanted to believe I was dying, so as to prepare for it when the time came, but it kept coming to me otherwise. Marilyn was the only one who had heard. Does the Lord leave us without the two or three witnesses He advises or requires?
At this time, I felt more of being set aside, separated unto a work or mission God had for me. Yes, it was a form of death – a separation from this world and acquaintances – but it wasn’t a physical death.
On the eighth day, Marilyn grew harder toward me, very much so; she didn’t call from the farm that night, and had nothing to say to me on the morning of the ninth day. The spirit had changed and now it was more business than personal. This change came when I received she was deathly afraid of being wrong, which she denies, and hates to think or admit. The one of my bosom has turned away.
On the ninth day, the wind caught the front door of the store at the farm, hitting Marilyn in the head, breaking her glasses. She was taken to emergency. When I told her there was a reason for what happened, she declared it was because Paul and Kerri were resisting her. I didn’t agree, nor would others, but she wouldn’t listen. Why should God strike her if others were in the wrong? Where is there any support of this foolish notion in Scripture?
I felt I was blowing the trumpet for the people at the farm, calling them to prepare for the Lord and His coming. His Day was now here and it felt more and more urgent to me. They must all seek after God….
By Day 10, now weighing 155 pounds, I began to feel stronger. My mouth began to be very dry, the dryness coming and going. I tried to drink perhaps two to three liters of filtered water or more each day.
On Day 11, I had a hunger battle and was discouraged from going on. I met with the others at the farm. It was suggested my fast was complete, but I knew otherwise.
By Day 12, my tongue was still coated white but the bad breath was gone. I believe the Lord has intervened, canceled my appointment with death, and restored my family, people, farm, health, and anointing. He has dealt mercifully. “It is done,” He said, but the fast wasn’t done.
On Day 13, I was surprised with a substantial bowel movement. My urine grew paler, although at times, this reversed temporarily. My leg was no longer in pain.
Marilyn had said the Lord was setting me apart for Himself. I recalled the vision I had in 1980 and knew that it was now being fulfilled. Lois also had a vision of my meeting with a group of receptive men. They were happy to see me, welcoming me, and I was surprised and elated that they had all gone through the same as I, as necessary.
I was seeing so much more clearly my corruption before the Lord in the fast. As He shows or gives us something, we tend to think things are therefore done. On several occasions, I was tempted to believe the fast was over.
I now recalled the Scriptures Theo had given me prophetically in 1976:
“Behold, for peace I had great bitterness: but You have in love to my soul, delivered it from the pit of corruption: for You have cast all my sins behind Your back” (Isaiah 38:17-18). Isaiah goes on to say, “For the grave cannot praise You, death cannot celebrate You….”
Has not the Lord here said, “You will not die”?
I also recalled Ernie Chadwick’s prophecy and vision for me in 1976. On several occasions, I thought his vision and prophecy had come to pass, but they hadn’t. Now, I perceived they were being fulfilled. Another verse Theo gave me, in agreement with Ernie’s, came to mind:
“You whom I have taken from the ends of the earth, and called you from the chief men thereof, and said unto you, ‘You are My servant’; I have chosen you, and not cast you away. Fear you not; for I am with you: be not dismayed; for I am your God: I will strengthen you; yea, I will help you; yea, I will uphold you with the right hand of My righteousness” (Isaiah 41:9-10).
I also knew that the verses following applied to me now:
“Behold, all they that were incensed against you shall be ashamed and confounded: they shall be as nothing; and they that strive with you shall perish. You shall seek them, and shall not find them, even them that contended with you: they that war against you shall be as nothing, and as a thing of nought. For I the LORD your God will hold your right hand, saying unto you, ‘Fear not; I will help you’” (Isaiah 41:11-13 KJV).
I had two war visions, which applied to me, and I knew they were now being fulfilled, bringing me to victory.
On the thirteenth day of my fast, August 2, 1997, the people at the farm asked Kerri to leave. Paul had been fasting with me for a time, but after three days, Kerri persuaded him to quit. I saw her dominating him, he following her where, when, how, and why she pleased. When I tried to tell him so, and that she was out of order, she became indignant and impudent. Paul resumed fasting after breaking it for the one day, going seven days more.
Marilyn received that Kerri wished to sit as queen, ruling. Remarkably, we were all in agreement that Kerri should be separated from us for seven days. She had to leave the farm, going wherever she found to go. Paul didn’t object, though he was her husband.
When Kerri returned seven days later, she was unrepentant. None, particularly Marilyn, Lois, and Sean, could see her remaining at the farm, and they didn’t want her there as she was, ever slovenly, murmuring, and complaining. She left for Helena, returned to Lethbridge after a week, and then Paul took her to Waterton for a job interview. She got a job in hospitality and lived in the workers’ quarters. Paul lived at the farm without her.
I began to see that many prophetic songs, visions, dreams, and prophecies of the past were being fulfilled at this trying time. I was seeing the reality of them. One enters a dimension of knowledge and awareness in a fast, one that is closed to the carnal man, whose senses are dulled by normal indulgences of the flesh.
While Harvest Haven was still nothing, the Lord revealed to me in the first fasting days what would come of it. I recorded, “…customers, happy, eager, friendly ones will flock to the farm, and the farm will be the envy of the land. All that you produce will be sold. The demand will meet or surpass the supply, yet the supply will be abundant.”
At the time, our supply far exceeded demand and there was nothing envious about the farm at all. He showed me that Harvest Haven would be much, much more than a business enterprise. He showed me that He was now placing each person in his or her position at the farm.
The Lord showed me that I had overcome, though I didn’t know the reality of it then. He showed me that the overcoming aspects, as described for each of the seven churches in Revelation 2 and 3, were now mine. He said He had vanquished that “man of sin” in me that Paul mentioned to the Thessalonians:
2 Thessalonians 2:1-12 BBE
(1) Now as to the coming of the Lord Jesus Christ, and our meeting with Him, it is our desire, my brothers,
(2) That you may not be moved in mind or troubled by a spirit, or by a word, or by a letter as from us, with the suggestion that the day of the Lord is even now come;
(3) Give no belief to false words: because there will first be a falling away from the faith, and the revelation of the man of sin, the son of destruction,
(4) Who puts himself against all authority, lifting himself up over all which is named God or is given worship; so that he takes his seat in the Temple of God, putting himself forward as God.
(5) Have you no memory of what I said when I was with you, giving you word of these things?
(6) And now it is clear to you what is keeping back his revelation till the time comes for him to be seen.
(7) For the secret of evil is even now at work: but there is One Who is keeping back the evil till he is taken out of the way.
(8) And then will come the revelation of that evil one, whom the Lord Jesus will put to death with the breath of His mouth, and give to destruction by the revelation of His coming;
(9) Even the one whose coming is marked by the working of Satan, with all power and signs and false wonders,
(10) And with every deceit of wrongdoing among those whose fate is destruction; because they were quite without that love of the true faith by which they might have salvation.
(11) And for this cause, God will give them up to the power of deceit and they will put their faith in what is false:
(12) So that they all may be judged, who had no faith in what is true, but took pleasure in evil.
Though I didn’t see all these things then, God spoke them as though they were a present reality.
Have not many of us wished we could be self-sufficient? We have wanted our independence, much in every way. For example, in terms of energy resources, there are those who have attempted to be free of the grid, developing their own sources of light, heat, and water. They have sought independence concerning food, machinery, equipment, transportation, water, and clothing – all the basic necessities. They have tried to live in the wilderness, or a commune, in which several do their best to live off the land, looking to enjoy, please, and be supplied by, “Mother Nature.” Debtors seek freedom from creditors, employees from employers, citizens from governments, merchants from middlemen, tenants from landlords, children from parents, husbands from wives – the list goes on endlessly. We all want independence.
By Day 16, the Lord was showing me that He had not set things up that way in this world (“No man is an island….”) and that we were meant to live together and in harmony with everyone. He showed me that self-sufficiency was not His will for us, even if we could achieve it.
I often wondered why He hadn’t led us to live in energy-efficient houses, why we weren’t into solar and wind energies or some other environmentally-friendly, energy-saving aspects of life. He showed me that as noble as it might seem, it wasn’t an issue to Him. I began to see that He was limitless in His provision of all necessary things. Not that we should be profligate. No doubt He would have us be responsible stewards in all things.
In effect, He was saying, “Enough planning at the farm, thinking to be self-sufficient or energy-efficient. I am your Sufficiency.”
On this day, I was still battling hunger and greed. Yes, greed was another issue, concerning which I have been before the Lord all my Christian days. One may think true Christians don’t have a problem with covetousness, and Christians like to think they don’t. The truth is that when I wasn’t a Christian, I didn’t care – greed was an automatic lifestyle. It wasn’t until I came to faith in Christ that it bothered me to be greedy, driving me to seek after God to deliver me of that vice.
About a week earlier, I had temporary ringing in the ears. Today, I had stomach pains. Laying on the bed and sucking in my stomach gradually, the pain disappeared. I was bathing everyday, though not using deodorant, and the consequent underarm smell was putrid. Should it be that way if all is well? I also developed a sty in my eye, now there for three days.
I was reading another book, Sex Facts for Christians by Frank Hall. It stirred in me sexual desire for my wife. Though I didn’t have sexual gratification of any kind during my fast, I had allowed myself to entertain it in my mind. Had my fast therefore been broken? Had I sinned? Didn’t Jesus say that even if a man is unjustly angry with his brother, he is guilty of murder (Matthew 5:21-22)?
Marilyn again stepped in, questioning. “Why are you fasting? Is it to lose weight? Is it to have glory of men or to compete with others? Is it to seek out experiences like great feelings, revelations, healings, or spiritual power? Is it for renewed youth and better looks? Is it so you can be a ‘great man of God’?”
“And his wife said to him, ‘Do you still hold to your integrity? Curse God and die!’” (Job 2:9 MKJV)
I was assailed with doubts right after God reminded me things would go much better if I believed and gave thanks rather than doubted. All I could do was trust that God was leading, regardless of what my intentions were:
“A man’s heart devises his way: but the LORD directs his steps” (Proverbs 16:9 KJV).
The Lord encouraged me, reminding me twice of the words: “They that wait upon the Lord shall not be ashamed.” I was waiting on Him. I knew I wanted His will, no matter what, even if it cost me my life. Was that not what I had covenanted to give Him?
On Day 18, I went for a bike ride with Jonathan for about three kilometers. My heart was beating heavily at a steep hill. Generally speaking, my tongue was clearing of the white coating, my armpits still smelled badly, and my mouth was often dry. A white lump had appeared on the right side of my left eye weeks before fasting, the white of it bloodshot; it was mending.
On this day I was assailed with thoughts of food and sex. Fresh garden peas were in season – and soon out; Marilyn was making pancakes, a favorite; delicious crabapples were ripening; I was picking raspberries and currants with my “dry” mouth watering (not eating).
Lesson: One ought not to fast in the presence of things from which he abstains.
I red in Hall’s books on fasting that those kinds of thoughts were supposed to disappear in the first few days. It is a matter of “out of sight, out of mind.” And “play with fire and you get burned.” If one is going to fast, better to stay away from temptations, if possible. It only stands to reason. That said, God gives grace in any circumstances.
By Day 19, I weighed 148 pounds. I was fighting unbelief, doubts, questions, regrets, and condemnation over the way I had been and was. I knew I was full of corruption and unrighteousness (“wrongness”). Yet I had hope my deliverance from the “pit of corruption” would come in due time.
On my daily walks, the neighbors no doubt saw my swift weight loss and wondered what was happening to me, but they didn’t ask.
On Day 20, I had a new surge of energy after having an additional four-hour nap besides my regular sleep. On this day, I increased the pace on my walk by half again the speed and even ran up the steep hill on our community road. Mucous was increasing in my nose and I was spitting considerable phlegm. My urine was yellowing. The battles with sex drive were now gone, as was hunger for food. I wondered again if my fast was at an end.
On Day 21, I weighed 145 pounds. There was much phlegm in my throat and again my tongue was heavily coated with a white deposit. However, I had considerable energy and felt fine, though on the other hand, ironically, I did feel weak.
On this day, Trevor and I visited Jason in Calgary. I prayed for him, laid a hand on his head, and came against the evil powers in him. Years later, Jason would remind me of a prophecy I had for him around this time, which marvelously came to pass, one I had completely forgotten about, as has been the case with many prophecies.
On Day 22, I was surprised to have gained one pound. How does one gain a pound eating nothing and drinking no differently than any other day? My mouth was dry, my tongue coated, and my ears were plugged like on other days, but more so that day. Still, I had no hunger and was energetic, running up the hill on my daily 2.2-kilometer walk.
On this day, Marilyn declared she loved Sean (as she had done before), she said she was his, and that was that.
On Day 23, I didn’t hunger unless I saw food. Seldom was I thirsty; I drank only 4 or 5 8-oz. glasses per day, mostly to curb hunger. There had been some gas and burping throughout the fast.
Hindsight: More water would likely have been better.
On the spiritual side, I continued to abhor the way I’d been the past years – utterly corrupt. The apostle Paul kept his body under lest he be a castaway. I felt I failed where he succeeded. I saw myself as a castaway; I indulged in the fleshly appetites, giving place to anger, covetousness, strife, malice, envy, and all the works of the flesh. I’d been a wicked man and lost all, leaving it behind for those who appeared to want to serve God the Father in spirit and in truth.
I perceived the Lord was “shedding my skin,” stripping me of my filthy rags, making a difference between my earthly existence heretofore and the one to come, perhaps as with Joshua, the High Priest (Zechariah 3).
Kerri called, speaking repentance and honesty, apologizing, seeking forgiveness, and asking for re-acceptance. I told her to talk to Sean, Lois, and Marilyn. I didn’t feel myself to be in any position of authority by this time.
On the night of Day 23, I was receiving thoughts that caused me mixed feelings – bitter thoughts, yet soberly liberating. If these thoughts were true, it began to solve the major issues in all our lives and set the course by putting each of us in our proper places.
Paul also related a dream he had, which seemed very significant and appropriate. He wished to share more with me when I told him I was having thoughts I was afraid of expressing because of their implications. I definitely wanted to be sure.
My thoughts were about Sean, though I didn’t record and don’t recall what they were. I was afraid Marilyn would read my journal, which she often did, and if I wrote these things down, she would truly go ballistic. They were not flattering of Sean.
This all came on the heels of my conclusion of my state of being: If I was a wicked man, if there could be repentance and mercy, I asked for and desired it. If, in any case, I had to die, so be it. If I was being stripped for preparation in a future calling in the hereafter, so be it, but if for a calling in this world, so be it.
I accepted and submitted to God’s righteous judgment, whatever it was. I knew I deserved death. God’s will be done – that was my position. Truly, there was no other choice and I didn’t want any other. One thing was sure: I abhorred the thought of returning to the death I had before of worry, covetousness, lusts, fears, self-righteousness, and anger.
Day 24: I remained at 145 pounds for four days. The varicose veins on my left leg hadn’t changed in appearance. The tongue was still coated, phlegm continued in my throat, and what little was left of the tiny growth over my right eyebrow remained.
I spilled the beans to Paul and Sean on what I had been receiving. Paul was already seeing these things concerning all of us, without fasting or consulting with me.
That night, I realized my fast was done. I received revelation on Marilyn and all the pieces – every one of them – fit over all the years. I also had a vision the night before, a remarkably ugly one, but it appeared to be very significant and appropriate:
I saw a clearing in the woods, somewhat of a garden with clear ground surrounded by trees. In that scene, I saw Marilyn enter, naked, with a brown rectangular cafeteria serving tray in hand. She put it on the ground beneath her, squatted, and defecated in it. She then sat down on a log, with tray in left hand (I believe), eating her dung with the fingers of her right hand.
There was Sean, fully clothed, who sat down on a log nearby, toward her right. He proceeded to look steadily at her while helping himself to some of her dung with his right hand. She was looking off to the distance, with a faraway and discontented look.
Whether God was revealing this to me or not, I saw from Marilyn more and more hardness toward, and independence of, me. I told her I saw great bitterness in her, going back to even before our marriage, and that she had an overpowering compulsion to control everything and everybody.
On Day 25, I weighed 143 pounds, my tongue was coated and ears plugged. I felt strong, though, running up the hill on my walk.