Often and for long periods of time does God hide Himself from His called one, even as He did with all the saints and prophets of old and to the present. We desire so much to walk by sight, as in this world, but must learn to walk by faith, by the little given knowledge of the unknown, the Unknown, that we may know Him. And though He hides Himself to try us, He is always there…there is nowhere one can go from His presence. Yet one can choose to do so, and the one choosing so is not called. Emptiness is not a bad sign in itself as one might suppose.
I am ill with sorrow and grief,
Vexation and loneliness;
My soul is filled with groanings and longings;
I look in all directions;
I reach out;
My hand returns empty;
Tears fill my soul;
I cry and cry and cry;
There is no one to comfort, to console, to ease my pain.
Day after day, year after year,
Decade after decade,
I wait, I long, I cry,
I heave and sigh.
There is none to understand.
I wait for morning;
I wait for evening;
I am desolate.
I eat, I sleep, I cry…
Is it sin I say I don’t have
That causes me to be this way –
Desperate, sad, lonely, unfulfilled,
Useless, despised, unwanted?
This is not the abundant life;
Though I have my carnal needs met
And freedom to come and go,
Yet I have nowhere to come and nowhere to go.
All is quiet, uneventful, drab and grey.
Do I complain
Or do I merely state the way things are
For those appointed to such by Divine order,
Not for sin
But for His purposes?
I don’t know;
I do know I am very sad and very lonely;
This I do know.
I note that I’m not fearful
As I once was;
I’m not doubtful of my path
As I once was,
Or am I?
I do not covet my neighbor’s shoes;
There is no being with whom I would trade
Yet I perceive that if
It were not for the Lord’s hand on me,
I would surely be tempted
To end my life.
If it were not for the hope of better things,
I would despair so that
I would arrange my end.
So much for which to be thankful,
Needs provided abundantly,
A good wife,
A new and healthy son,
Health, order, safety and outer peace,
Yet a desperate longing within
For I know not what –
Friends? Companions? Work?
Importance? Usefulness? Fame?
Glory? Honor? Recognition?
I don’t know.
In still times I am troubled.
Why? I don’t know.
I DO know I am very sad and very lonely;
This I DO know.
Moon River, Oct. 29, 1991
I was hurt by a vain professor of righteousness. Of that person I saw a vision. She was like her kind and her kind like her - light, treacherous, full of lust and hypocrisies. So are all those who "go to church" and think they do God a service.
I once thought I had entered rest when I was first converted…and I had! Compared to the former horrible state of darkness and misery, the realm of repentance was glorious and restful indeed. But I had not arrived. Then came trials, urgings and purgings leading to the receiving of God’s Spirit. Again, the realm of the Spirit was glorious compared to the one of repentance, and I rested because revelations came and great burdens were lifted and removed forever. But I had not arrived. Chapters opened and closed and rest came at the end of each, yet beginnings introduced new fires, new terms of correction and purgings so that I could rest some more. But I had not arrived. Then came a breaking at the hands of dark men. Healings poured in. Sight was increased and lifestyle corrected. We were blessed and we rested. But we had not arrived. Years later, I wrote this paragraph after just having the severest trial I had ever had, likened by the Lord to that which Job had, yet alerted to the great contrast to his. (Job’s was classical, for our sakes). But I was taken right back to my very foundation and was now different than before. Years passed again and I found that I knew neither rest nor fires like they could be. In fire, I, again more than ever, writhed in pain. Rest comes in small doses and brief intervals, only to prepare one for more fire. (He that walks with God, walks in fire, until there is no more need of fire.) Today, God is all in all. Those who enter into rest not on...
It is supposed by the lovers and inhabitants of this world that Christ came to make their existence in this world a pleasurable one by following His teachings and "principles of success." They fail to realize that His purpose was to deliver us from the tantalizings of earth and prepare us for another world by overcoming and forsaking this one. The cross of Christ represents death, not life to the flesh, and life, not death to the spirit, by the subsequent resurrection. Only a heart after God will perceive the reality of things and pursue at all costs. Righteousness is a dungeon To the son of iniquity. Truth is a stench to his nostrils; It cause his eyes to tear, His nose to wrinkle, His throat to choke. Laws are as chains to him With rough-edged shackles That tear his flesh And bind him down to Hell. Those who speak the truth Are as cruel tormentors, Dictators, fascists, despots To be despised and shunned. Fanatics they are, Upsetting the world, A blotch and a disgrace To a free thinking society, To the modern man, To the age of emancipation. Lawlessness is a palace To the son of iniquity. His pleasure is to sniff the aroma of lies. His eyes light up with delight; He swallows the darkness with zest And never has enough. Unrighteousness is as fine clothing, With lace and frill and charm. Those who speak the lie Are received as saints and kings, Friends, bosom companions To be loved and revered. Sensible they are, And level...