Emptiness Within

English – Chinese

Often and for long periods of time does God hide Himself from His called one, even as He did with all the saints and prophets of old and to the present. We desire so much to walk by sight, as in this world, but must learn to walk by faith, by the little given knowledge of the unknown, the Unknown, that we may know Him. And though He hides Himself to try us, He is always there…there is nowhere one can go from His presence. Yet one can choose to do so, and the one choosing so is not called. Emptiness is not a bad sign in itself as one might suppose.

I am ill with sorrow and grief,

Vexation and loneliness;

My soul is filled with groanings and longings;

I look in all directions;

I reach out;

My hand returns empty;

Tears fill my soul;

I cry and cry and cry;

There is no one to comfort, to console, to ease my pain.

Day after day, year after year,

Decade after decade,

I wait, I long, I cry,

I heave and sigh.

There is none to understand.

I wait for morning;

I wait for evening;

I am desolate.

I eat, I sleep, I cry…

Is it sin I say I don’t have

That causes me to be this way –

Desperate, sad, lonely, unfulfilled,

Useless, despised, unwanted?

This is not the abundant life;

Though I have my carnal needs met

And freedom to come and go,

Yet I have nowhere to come and nowhere to go.

All is quiet, uneventful, drab and grey.

Do I complain

Or do I merely state the way things are

For those appointed to such by Divine order,

Not for sin

But for His purposes?

I don’t know;

I do know I am very sad and very lonely;

This I do know.

I note that I’m not fearful

As I once was;

I’m not doubtful of my path

As I once was,

Or am I?

I do not covet my neighbor’s shoes;

There is no being with whom I would trade

Yet I perceive that if

It were not for the Lord’s hand on me,

I would surely be tempted

To end my life.

If it were not for the hope of better things,

I would despair so that

I would arrange my end.

How ironic!

So much for which to be thankful,

Needs provided abundantly,

A good wife,

A new and healthy son,

Health, order, safety and outer peace,

Yet a desperate longing within

For I know not what –

Friends? Companions? Work?

Importance? Usefulness? Fame?

Glory? Honor? Recognition?

Excitement? Adventure?

I don’t know.

In still times I am troubled.

Why? I don’t know.

I DO know I am very sad and very lonely;

This I DO know.

Moon River, Oct. 29, 1991