Often and for long periods of time does God hide Himself from His called one, even as He did with all the saints and prophets of old and to the present. We desire so much to walk by sight, as in this world, but must learn to walk by faith, by the little given knowledge of the unknown, the Unknown, that we may know Him. And though He hides Himself to try us, He is always there…there is nowhere one can go from His presence. Yet one can choose to do so, and the one choosing so is not called. Emptiness is not a bad sign in itself as one might suppose.
I am ill with sorrow and grief,
Vexation and loneliness;
My soul is filled with groanings and longings;
I look in all directions;
I reach out;
My hand returns empty;
Tears fill my soul;
I cry and cry and cry;
There is no one to comfort, to console, to ease my pain.
Day after day, year after year,
Decade after decade,
I wait, I long, I cry,
I heave and sigh.
There is none to understand.
I wait for morning;
I wait for evening;
I am desolate.
I eat, I sleep, I cry…
Is it sin I say I don’t have
That causes me to be this way –
Desperate, sad, lonely, unfulfilled,
Useless, despised, unwanted?
This is not the abundant life;
Though I have my carnal needs met
And freedom to come and go,
Yet I have nowhere to come and nowhere to go.
All is quiet, uneventful, drab and grey.
Do I complain
Or do I merely state the way things are
For those appointed to such by Divine order,
Not for sin
But for His purposes?
I don’t know;
I do know I am very sad and very lonely;
This I do know.
I note that I’m not fearful
As I once was;
I’m not doubtful of my path
As I once was,
Or am I?
I do not covet my neighbor’s shoes;
There is no being with whom I would trade
Yet I perceive that if
It were not for the Lord’s hand on me,
I would surely be tempted
To end my life.
If it were not for the hope of better things,
I would despair so that
I would arrange my end.
So much for which to be thankful,
Needs provided abundantly,
A good wife,
A new and healthy son,
Health, order, safety and outer peace,
Yet a desperate longing within
For I know not what –
Friends? Companions? Work?
Importance? Usefulness? Fame?
Glory? Honor? Recognition?
I don’t know.
In still times I am troubled.
Why? I don’t know.
I DO know I am very sad and very lonely;
This I DO know.
Moon River, Oct. 29, 1991
I once thought I had entered rest when I was first converted…and I had! Compared to the former horrible state of darkness and misery, the realm of repentance was glorious and restful indeed. But I had not arrived. Then came trials, urgings and purgings leading to the receiving of God’s Spirit. Again, the realm of the Spirit was glorious compared to the one of repentance, and I rested because revelations came and great burdens were lifted and removed forever. But I had not arrived. Chapters opened and closed and rest came at the end of each, yet beginnings introduced new fires, new terms of correction and purgings so that I could rest some more. But I had not arrived. Then came a breaking at the hands of dark men. Healings poured in. Sight was increased and lifestyle corrected. We were blessed and we rested. But we had not arrived. Years later, I wrote this paragraph after just having the severest trial I had ever had, likened by the Lord to that which Job had, yet alerted to the great contrast to his. (Job’s was classical, for our sakes). But I was taken right back to my very foundation and was now different than before. Years passed again and I found that I knew neither rest nor fires like they could be. In fire, I, again more than ever, writhed in pain. Rest comes in small doses and brief intervals, only to prepare one for more fire. (He that walks with God, walks in fire, until there is no more need of fire.) Today, God is all in all. Those who enter into rest not on...
It is bad enough to watch a dog vomit though by vomiting it may well expel that which ails it. Then it is a pleasant experience to behold a healthy creature. But bad is bad when one witnesses the return of a dog to its vomit only to lick it up again. I do not know of many more disgusting spectacles to witness in all of existence. Up from the pits of Hell Come the vilest of the vile; These are the has-beens of yester-year, Full of venom and guile. These have known the truth of God; They have known His love and power, His mercy to loveless men; His goodness has made them sour. Why do angels fall? Why do just men call On gods who have nothing to give? Why do fools choose death In order that they may live? Now here is a marvelous thing That would make any devil sing: It is easier to find The seeing man crying to be blind Than it is the blind to see. Lethbridge, Alta., June 1985
There was a day when I was filled with the excitement of knowing that God is our sufficiency in all things. My mind then turned to the city and what makes a city. I knew that firstly, His rule applies in all things of life and secondly, that the city was void in all areas of His rule and healing power. Furthermore, it was those who were in authority who were supposed to be teaching, directing, leading, delivering but instead were the ones responsible for the corruption and degeneration of the people. Only outside the city but not far away was the remedy, THE Remedy. Hey, you city dwellers! Do you see that yonder Light? He is the Standard of all standards; He lights the way so you can see…and not stumble. He is the Walkway to lead you in sure directions To take you where you need to go. He is the Grocery Store; He is your Bread and Butter and all good food, Without additives…or subtractives; You’ll find no nourishment elsewhere. Why are you so gaunt, city dweller? He is your Post Office; To Him messages must go And from Him they will come. Mail service is timely and free; Why don’t you pay your postage? He is the local Drug Store But for good and not for hurt. In Him are the leaves For the healing of the nations. See that Jewelry Store around the corner And there you’ll find precious stones To grace the chest of one who wears them. No costume jewelry here. The gold is real, the stones are genuine; He is not here...