This song came for Caren Lampitoc, whom Paul met in Philadelphia.
How different we discovered the Christian walk to be in comparison to what we had expected or were led to believe it would be! It was lonely, painful of soul, friendless, fraught with enemies on all sides and the greatest enemy was on the inside. How we had to do battle with unbelief, with our carnal desires, ambitions, hopes, dreams, with the lusts of the flesh…lusting mostly for social security, belonging, importance, usefulness.
All must be surrendered or lost; there really is no choice in the matter when the call of God is upon one. He that keeps his life loses it and if he loses it for the Lord’s sake, it is still lost, if only for a time, even if replaced with more and better somewhere down the road. The main thing is that one must trust God in it all and let it happen. One must learn and accept that God is in charge of all things, working all for good.
Lord, when You first called out my name,
I knew I couldn’t be the same;
I didn’t know what I would do…or be;
I thought the future I could see.
For awhile I ran in reckless joy;
I played with You like boy with toy,
And slowly I began to understand
That You are Lord and it’s Your hand.
Right now I know that You’re with me
And through these tears it’s hard to see
What’s going on with You and me
But You’ve said, “What will be will be.”
It’s been so hard for me to be so still;
Like fire to ice it’s will to will.
You’ve shown me that I’m the one so cold,
Yet in my ways I’ve been so bold.
Nothing’s going the way I thought it would;
It’s so different and very strange.
Sometimes I wonder if I’ve gone astray;
Seems no one’s here to come my way.
Chorus repeat 2x
Winnipeg, MB; February 27, 1981
I think that one of the greatest battles I have ever had has been to forsake family and more particularly my parents, and perhaps most particularly, my father. His draw on my heart was so powerful, so very powerful. In his last years, his state was so pitiable that it was very hard for me to refuse him any wishes. It was agonizing indeed. But he died and was buried on my birthday, April 1, 1985. His death was the morning after I received a vision of the Lord standing up to put a stop to the enemies who were tormenting me. I did not know anything of my father's death until the following morning, or that his death and the vision were related. In his death, I felt loosened, with new freedom and power.
In our losses we bore as we forsook all to follow the Lord, we were discovering that "a man's life does not consist in the abundance of that which he possesses." We were also learning about the sovereignty of God, how He is over all and engineers all things according to His will.
This is the first song I ever wrote as a believer in the Lord Jesus Christ...nothing default by any stretch but it amazes me how that we knew so much of what was required of us while yet babes in Christ. Twenty-one years later, I feel we have only been learning what we've known all along, that faith is the key and substance of our walk with God, that we must come away from all carnal thought and participation in order to walk with God by faith and be pleasing to Him.