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I Don’t Believe I Married a Believer. Now What?

From: Jennifer
To: The Path of Truth
Sent: Tuesday, March 01, 2016 11:47 AM
Subject: Important Question

Hi,

I stumbled upon your website, and I was very enlightened by your teaching on Marriage, and that not all marriages, were in fact, put together by God. My situation is this: I had been a single divorcee for 10 years, raising a daughter on my own, after divorcing a drug addicted abusive husband. For 10 years, I grew in the Lord, and was very careful and selective about dating. For 5 of those years I dated someone who I really thought had a heart for God. However, now we are married, and I am seeing some fundamental belief differences… which I now equate with him not really being a Christian at all, but deceived. There is no fruit. Not only with him, but other churchgoers. He had said before we married that we would find a church together, but now he wants me to go to this church. I tried for a while, but my spirit cannot bear to hear these ear tickling messages. I cringe. So, I told him lovingly how I felt and we are now going to separate churches. Anyhow, when I pray out loud he gets angry and has even began swearing immediately afterward about “issues” that he sees with me. If I don’t bring up spiritual things, we get along fine, and none of this posed a huge problem before. But living with him, I am seeing things I never saw before. I am praying for him every day, and I do believe that God is working in him… what do I do??? Biblically speaking?

Jennifer

From: Paul Cohen and Victor Hafichuk
To: Jennifer
Sent: Friday, March 11, 2016 7:47 AM
Subject: Re: Important Question

Hi Jennifer,

Sounds like you fooled yourself about your husband being a believer.  It’s possible you may also be fooled about yourself being a believer. But you are here asking us these things, presumably as men of God, which is hopeful. As men of God we’re speaking His Word that brings faith to those who receive it from Him.

So where do you go from here?

You say there’s no fruit in your husband. Is there fruit in your life or at your church? What kind of fruit are you looking for? Do you know what kind to look for? Perhaps it would help to tell us what churches these are.

What issues does your husband see with you? Also, give us some example of spiritual things you bring up that bother him. And what are you saying in your prayers that irritates him? Be specific; for example, are you praying God will “open his eyes” or “give him faith,” or “have understanding,” or what?

Give us the specifics, Jennifer, with more about what’s happening there. Lord willing, we will have things to say.

Paul and Victor

From: Jennifer
To: Paul and Victor
Sent: Friday, March 18, 2016 5:25 AM
Subject: Re: Important Question

Thank you for your reply. I didn’t realize you had sent one until today.

The church I have been going to is not affiliated with any denomination that I know of. His, is Assembly of God… however, his pastor seems to be on his own program, which is not very fundamentalist, as most AOG churches are, as far as I know.

Yes, there is fruit in my life. I am a loving person. I do not have any doubt as to whose I am. I can humbly say that, because none of what I know is “naturally” me, is present regularly in my life any longer. I take no credit for it, but it is evident. I love people, I am patient with people, I go out of my way to care for people. I try to show Christ’s love, and I ask Him for ways I can be a blessing to others and lead then to Him.

In my past, I was a drug addicted, “clinically depressed” and angry person. One who was told I would need medication my entire life just to function. Only by God’s grace, has that not been so. I have been clean and sober for 15 years, no medication, and have LOVE in my heart, where once was anger. God has blessed me with a wonderful career, out of a very modest education, and I thrived as a single mother for 10 years… only by His hand. He has taken my little, and has done much with it. That is just some of the fruit I display.

As far as my relationship with my husband, I encourage him to mend broken relationships, to be more loving toward his children, and have even encouraged him to write a letter to his exwife to apologize for the things that he did to cause her pain. I don’t think if I was not a believer, I would be encouraging these things so passionately and regularly. Easier and better for ME, to leave well enough alone. But I know that is not God’s will.

As for him. He is angry at the drop of a dime. He never picks up his bible. When I try to go to the bible to look into a matter, he will often get uneasy and will state, “Ken said….” or “Andrew Wommack says….” Ken is his pastor. The bible is where I look to.

He also, gets annoyed whenever I go to the old testament. My prayers that have angered him, have been very heartfelt and not geared toward him. Because I feel each of us can improve. I am by no means, perfect. So I always make it about us. I will say things like, “Bring us closer to You, and closer to each other. Open our eyes to anything you would like for us to see. Guide us in your truth. Soften our hearts, and make the fruits of Your Spirit manifest in our lives. Give us discernment. Help us to live out Your will for our lives. Cause us to recognize wickedness and to hate it. Give us a love for righteousness.”  etc. I don’t think any of those things should be offensive. Do you?

P.S. The “issues” he sees with me, basically come down to one thing. He feels I oppose him on everything. He feels I need to submit to him, which I would so LOVE to do, however, he is clearly not submitted to God. He feels I should be going to his church, regardless of how I feel… or regardless of the fact that he promised me we’d look elsewhere. He believes I am legalistic… when in fact, I am not. It is just that I WANT to live holy. I feel like the changes God has made in my heart cause me to want nothing more than to please Him for what He has done for me. He also believes that sin, for a saved person, can not lead to death. He believes once saved always saved. I believe that we can choose to leave our covenant with God at any time. So, we look at sin differently. His son who loves at home was having his girlfriend spend the night… I said before we got married that I was not going to move in there with my daughter if he was going to ok this immorality under the roof. He made all kind of excuses for it. And also did not see it as dangerous to his soul, but only of danger to causing EARTHLY consequences. Things like that. If something immoral comes on television, and I say switch the channel… he doesn’t want to. Before I moved in with him, I didn’t even have cable. I saw nothing good to come out of it. So my daughter and I went without.

From: Paul and Victor
To: Jennifer
Sent: Sunday, March 27, 2016 7:24 AM
Subject: Re[3]: Important Question

Hi Jennifer,

Your reply is helpful in showing us what’s happening there with you and your husband. He’s not a believer – not with the fruits you describe. But you’re treating him as a believer, expecting the impossible of him as you lay religious burdens on him. You say:

“I don’t think any of those things should be offensive. Do you?”

Yes, they are offensive, because what you’re doing is requiring your husband to believe and behave like you, which would be a work of the flesh. He doesn’t believe or have the Lord, so he would only be complying with your version of Christianity in his own power. That is very vexing to Heaven, and destructive:

“Concerning the works of men, by the Words of Your lips, I am kept from the paths of the destroyer” (Psalms 17:4 MKJV).

Instead of compliance, you’re getting resistance from your husband, which is understandable. You need to shut down your agenda, stop proselytizing and start living the testimony you claim to have, so that, God willing, he will be converted to Christ. Submit to your unbelieving husband where God permits and requires according to the Scriptures.

Of course, that doesn’t mean you should believe the lies he believes or watch the TV he watches or do anything contrary to God’s Spirit and will. You need to submit to him as prescribed in the Scriptures:

“Likewise, wives, be in subjection to your own husbands, so that if any do not obey the Word, they may also be won without the Word by the conduct of the wives, having witnessed your chaste behavior in the fear of God” (1 Peter 3:1-2 MKJV).

Paul and Victor

From: Jennifer
To: Paul and Victor
Sent: Monday, March 28, 2016 6:56 AM
Subject: Re: Re[3]: Important Question

Hi!

Thank you again for replying. If you would permit me just one more question, I would appreciate it tremendously.

I found a way to “compromise” with the whole church thing.. Since my church has 2 services, I thought perhaps I would offer that we go to both; mine at 8:30, and his at 11. He was extremely willing, and when I mentioned understanding his feelings of loyalty to his pastor, he actually began to cry. His pastor helped him (9 years ago) when his first wife left. He was feeling so depressed, angry, and out of control, and as though he could kill her, and her new boyfriend. So this man got him through that… and introduced him to God (or his version of such).

Well, yesterday at his church service… my spirit was extremely troubled. The pastor barely refers to scripture. He only brought up 2 scriptures to a screen, and then went off onto his own tangent. He kept talking about us being spirits, and when we sin, we are acting in the physical realm, but that we are not physical beings, and that person, and that sin, are not even who we are. He kept referring to tapping into Christ’s “energy” and referred to energy flow quite a bit. It almost felt new-agey or like witchcraft to me. It made my skin crawl. He even went so far as to say that we don’t need to “pray all the time” or “read our bibles all the time” but that we just need to be tapped into this Christ energy. I kept praying and reading my Bible the entire time, and tried to tune it all out.

Apparently, my husband (who stands at the door as an usher) was watching me from the door, and noticed me not paying attention, but reading my Bible. He was angry on the ride home. He said, “You were the only one not looking up. You were the only one in your bible.” That is because no one there even bothers to bring a bible! I was able to diffuse him with love. Ugh!!! I am so distraught though, at what this man is teaching people.

I thank you so much for your advice, and I plan to follow through with every word. But what do I do about this? Do I keep my mouth shut, and continue to love? Do I point out the errors in light of scripture and cause him to get angry? He does already know, full well, that I do not believe this man’s teaching is sound. So do I leave it alone? I was literally in tears praying the other morning about the deception that is so rampant on earth, It wrenches my heart, that so many are deceived. This man is definitely a culprit in our area. 🙁

Thank you in advance. I won’t bug you again!!!

Jennifer

From: Paul and Victor
To: Jennifer
Sent: Tuesday, March 29, 2016 7:07 AM
Subject: Re[5]: Important Question

Hi Jennifer,

The answer to your question is in our last letter:

You need to shut down your agenda, stop proselytizing and start living the testimony you claim to have, so that, God willing, he will be converted to Christ. Submit to your unbelieving husband where God permits and requires according to the Scriptures.

Stop the preaching and proselytizing. Imagine you’re at a job and your husband is your boss. You don’t preach to your boss or tell him how things should be done. You love him by being obedient and doing your job with all your might – not as a man-pleaser, but as unto the Lord.

Colossians 3:22-24 EMTV
(22)  Bondservants, obey your masters according to the flesh in all things, not with eyeservice, as men-pleasers, but in sincerity of heart, fearing God.
(23)  And whatever you may do, work it from your soul, as to the Lord and not to men,
(24)  knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance. For you serve the Lord Christ.

You’re not bugging us. This is a very important matter.

By the way, your husband’s pastor was saying some true things mixed in with the false. The problem for you is that you’ve also been tainted with false doctrine and false love, which renders you unable to correctly divide the Word and judge such matters. You need teaching in Christ. You need the beam removed from your own eye.

Are you reading on our site, where the Lord provides such help? Having learned the Truth, you’ll be able to give the needful reply to your husband and all those in need of it in the right spirit. As it is said, “Knowledge is power,” but the fear of God is greater.

Paul and Victor

From: Jennifer
To: Paul and Victor
Sent: Tuesday, March 29, 2016 10:31 AM
Subject: Re: Re[5]: Important Question

Thank you so much! And yes, I actually was aware that there was truth mixed with the false teaching. That is generally how it is done. They take the word and twist. I am a very diligent student of the Bible. Believe me. I was brought up with SDA father (non-practicing) with a Pentecostal Mom, and had two extremes being taught to me by family on each side. I was always a seeker, and I set out, early on, that I would dive into the Bible as one who came with the perspective of knowing nothing and figure out for myself what was true. Whether it is easy to digest or not… I have been willing for truth, always. I do enjoy your site, and have found many helpful things… much of which was already where I stood on matters. That was why you were who I reached out to with my concerns. There are few that I trust with godly wisdom, as many are deceived.

I seek guidance from the Lord on each matter, and I test everything. From Christmas… to music… to everything. Not in a legalistic way, but in the way of one who truly longs to please the Lord with all my heart.

Thank you for your help, and have a wonderful week!

Jennifer

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