Mariko Benson's Testimony

I was born and raised in Japan and had a very commonplace, happy girl’s life. My family environment, relationships with friends and work were all without significant lack or hardship. However, in the deepest recesses of my heart, I had a nagging thought, “Is this what life is really about?” I sometimes thought that perhaps my searching for something more in life was due to my lack of a significant career or because I was not married or other such reasons that are common in the world. None of these reasons, however, satisfactorily answered the question as to why I was dissatisfied.

While I was happy with my life, something was missing. It was as if someone was pouring water into a barrel with a hole. When I had satisfaction in my daily life, I felt as if the barrel temporarily reached half full, but always, in the end, it would become empty again. I had certain struggles in my life that according to those around me were because I was being too “ambitious and over-reaching” myself but, deep inside of me, I had a certain expectation or a thirst that told me that there had to be something more in life. That continued until I encountered God.

Encounter with Reality

My encounter with God began with my meeting a Canadian named Mark Benson. In the summer of 1997, Mark was hired to work as a translator for an international conference that the nature conservation group I worked for was hosting, and I was assigned to organize. While commuting together, Mark spoke about what life is about and Truth and the existence of God. For me, this was a fresh conversation that impacted me deeply. What he was describing rang true, and I felt like the expanse of my unknown world spread out from there. I finally believed there were real answers for questions such as, “What is human existence all about?” and, “What are we living for?” that I had thought about for a long time. I had read different books on philosophy, but there were never any certain answers to these questions. Now I finally felt like there were.

Mark and I remained friends after the conference and, the following year, he got a job at a natural food ingredients tradeshow in Tokyo. My parents offered him a place to stay, which was unheard of. My parents are very busy people and almost never permitted any of my friends to stay at our house, yet, this time, they invited him. All I can conclude is that God provided this opportunity.

Every day Mark commuted with me on the crowded Tokyo train and talked to me about the meaning of life and Truth. While I could not deny the truth of many of the things he said, I shrank back whenever he talked about God and tried to keep him and his message at a distance. I, like many Japanese, had an allergy to religion. I thought a Westerner talked about Christianity simply because of culture. However, he pointed out to me that religion and believing in God were completely different. I was confused because I could not fit what he was saying into a box of what made sense to me. The Lord has now shown me that He hates religion and that the universal and unchangeable Truth is not different for each culture.

While Japanese people claim to be non-religious or adverse to religion, they celebrate birth with the Shinto tradition of Omiyamairi, visit the Shinto shrine or Buddhist temple to pray for the health of children who are three, five and seven years of age on the Shichigosan festival day, mix Buddhist ceremony with “Christian” wedding ceremonies and usually mark death with a Buddhist funeral ceremony. For the funeral, they pay huge amounts of money to the temple to give a new name to the dead to provide a passport of indulgences on their sins, so that they can cross Sanzu, the river of the dead, completing death and getting to Heaven. At New Year’s, most go to the shrine or temple for hatsumode, the first visit of the year, after hatsuhinode, the first sunrise of the year, while celebrating Christmas and exchanging chocolate at Valentine’s day. While this is clearly confusing and inconsistent with the idea of having no supernatural beliefs, the only thing that matters is doing the same as everybody else. When I met Mark and heard him speak about the Truth, I began to feel strongly that I wanted to start living without fear of being different than those around me and to stop merely going with the flow.

My rethinking was not limited to the above. I thought about aspects of my daily life as well as the relationship I was in with my boyfriend. For a long time I had sensed there was something wrong but, not knowing what it was, I just continued in the status quo. Deep inside I felt a sense of guilt towards my parents because of my relationship with him.

Mark talked to me about the harm done when dating without intention of marriage. He also talked about how it was wrong before God to have pre-marital sex, even if there was intention of marriage. When Mark told me that (without knowing I had a boyfriend), I realized why I was carrying guilt. I did not plan to marry my boyfriend, and I did whatever I pleased, spending the night at his place and having sexual relations with him. As a result, I was always worried, “What happens if I get pregnant?” Beyond those physical concerns, I can see now, that I carried a burden of awareness of my sin, irresponsibly handling my body at the whim of my emotions and desires. However, I also had my excuses such as, “I did introduce him to my parents,” or, “Everyone is doing it,” or, “I am old enough,” or, “I do have feelings for him,” etc. with which I deceived myself.

Our problems were not limited to the physical level; there were also problems on the mental level and, looking back now, I can say on the spiritual level. Though we enjoyed talking about common interests or going on dates, the feeling of being dissatisfied with my life never disappeared. However, without ever expressing that to my boyfriend, I continued choosing to live in a dream world of romance. This led to a lot of dissatisfaction building up inside me and consequentially having a selfish attitude and conduct towards him. So without honesty, we had conversations about our future together and continued having sexual relations which, because I am now on the other side and married in the Lord, I can see was so unnatural. After thinking about all of this, I decided to break up with him.

Looking back on all the relationships I had with boyfriends, I see that they caused a lot of hurt, in body and heart. Today, in Japanese society, such relationships are the norm, and nobody criticizes them. However, from God’s perspective, in the realm of Truth, it is wrong. After irresponsible and wrong action, one always has to pay the price.

Ignoring my father’s opposition, I went on a trip to the U.S. with the above mentioned boyfriend. We fought the whole time we were there. In the end, when we broke up, I realized that we had only caused a lot of deep scars in each other. Most often, when one opposes their parents, they oppose their God-given authority (“Honour your father and mother,” Exodus 20:12) and, because of this, they will suffer. God’s wrath was on our disobedience to His Laws and ways.

Around this time, I had a dream about a crow. In the dream, I didn’t know why, but I had killed a crow and was looking for a way to get rid of the bloody body. At first I put it in a cardboard box and was going to burn it but was worried about the dioxins that would be created, so I didn’t. I went to a construction site and was going to throw it into an open hole but then I became scared that someone may find it, so I didn’t. Then blood started to leak out of the box and I was worried about someone seeing it. This dream said a lot about what was going on inside of me at that time.

The year that I met Mark, I went to the bookstore and bought a Bible, out of curiosity. I had once heard that Catholics read the Old Testament and Protestants read the New Testament, but, not belonging to any church, I didn’t know where to read. Mark told me that the Bible had nothing to do with religion or religious denominations (in fact the Bible actually condemned that kind of religion) and that the Bible was composed of both the New and Old Testaments, which were a record of actual things that happened. So, I started to read from the Old Testament. It was full of numbers and recounting of the family relations of many unfamiliar sounding foreign names and descriptions, with many parts that I could not understand that seemed to continue for eternity. There were descriptions of various battles and people dying or killing each other, with words such as “sacrifices” and “blood” that did not seem very peaceful or gentle and so, for pacifist me, it was not enjoyable reading.

The Bible, however, was not written to be enjoyable (though, for those who believe, it is enjoyable in the truest and deepest sense of the word), but rather as a historical record with spiritual instruction to make people aware of the consequences of their sin, with the intention of bringing us to repentance and life. For me at that time, reading the Bible was nothing more than the study of one of many religions with some lessons but nothing deeper than that. It was mostly something from a foreign country, which took place a long time ago, far removed from me. I did not think that I had any sins from which I needed to repent.

Repentance of Sin

However, I not only had sins, I had lots of sins. One of those many sins was my selfishness in ignoring God’s will. When my relationship with Mark moved past just being friends, I did not want to consider what God’s will was, but rather was drawn strongly along by my emotions. When Mark returned to Canada after graduation, I went to visit him where he was living and working at an organic farm called Harvest Haven, owned by a believer and servant of God. I went hoping or expecting that we would marry.

However, shortly after I arrived at the farm, I realized that the image I had been embracing of the farm was nothing more than my imagination. It was not some sort of dreamland for little girls to come and play in. The people at the farm and the events happening there were far removed from the commonly portrayed image of “Christian” la-la land love and rose gardens.

I was always hearing from Mark about the importance of not doing what we want, but what we need to do; not doing our own will, but submitting to the will of God. However, how do you know what the will of God is for you? Without receiving the gift of faith from God, knowing this is impossible. For me, through a long, long process, I was given an answer from God on numerous occasions (sometimes directly and sometimes through Mark or other believers). If I accepted what was said to me, my heart was filled with thankfulness, but if I rejected it, I would go through some hard times.

In the face of such a direct approach to reality, my determination was shaken. I concluded that the road I had embarked on in coming to Canada, with the hope of marrying Mark, was too rugged and precipitous for me. It became apparent to both of us that we had been forcing our own will in furthering a romantic relationship between us rather than seeking the Lord’s will. To me, it was a vexatious delay to our plans. Once I found out that the Mark I liked and wanted to marry, and the God I thought I wanted to believe in would not be easily obtained, I was disappointed and lost enthusiasm. I terribly wanted to escape from reality, and I came to a quick conclusion that marriage was out of the question and returned to Japan.

The following year I was selected to go to a conference overseas. When I found out that it was going to be held in Canada, I knew that the time to visit the farm again had come. I persuaded my boss to allow me to take an additional 10 days to be able to go to Harvest Haven. To be able to take this much time off from work in Japan was a rarity, so I can only thank God for opening this necessary avenue for me.

In visiting Harvest Haven again, when faced with their lifestyle of honest openness and belief in God, I found myself thinking, “I can’t do this.” It sounded admirable to say with my mouth, “I want to know the Truth,” but when it came down to becoming honest with and about myself and just what kind of person I was, it was not so easy.

By the time I finished my visit to the farm, there was a voice inside of me getting louder and louder desiring a freer lifestyle. I was quite relieved to be able to run away from the uncomfortableness of having to face my real self. I felt like even eating organic food was a lifestyle too clean and beautiful for my taste, and I wanted something more soiled, both physically and spiritually, like junk food. I just wanted to forget everything about the farm and go to my conference and let happen whatever would happen.

Upon meeting with my colleagues attending from Japan and the attendees from other countries again, I felt as though I wanted to enjoy myself as much as I could. I thought, “I don’t care about God, I just want to do what I want to do in the way that I want to do it. Nobody from the farm is here; I can do what I want without anyone knowing about it.” I went out and bought some non-organic potato chips and ate them. I remember finding the taste of artificial flavors oddly reminiscent and devoured this junk food with enjoyment. During a party held for the participants of the conference, I really let loose, venting all my stress. This climaxed in an incident with a participant from another country date-raping me.

I was shocked at how this could have happened to me. I was in a panic and didn’t know what to do. It was around this time that I checked my e-mail. There was an e-mail from Mark. He was writing that his older brother Trevor had had a dream about me wherein I had eaten too much junk food, became deathly ill, and was taken to the hospital. Crying, Mark went to the hospital to try and help me. He was asking me in the letter, “What is happening?” When I read this e-mail, I nearly fell out of my chair with surprise. I felt nauseous and couldn’t stop crying. The consequence of parading around, showing how easy it was to run from God was just as Trevor’s dream had depicted, I was feeling deathly ill. God was angry with me. It was then, for the first time ever, that I recognized that I was unconditionally, completely wrong. I felt regret from the bottom of my heart for what I had done and wanted to repent.

God had taught me a hard lesson. God cannot be fooled; wherever you are, whatever you are doing.

My Effort vs. God’s Work

About seven months after my conference and what happened there, feeling like I never wanted to make that kind of a mistake again, I decided to quit my job and go to Canada, to stay at Harvest Haven for a year. I hoped that, by doing this, I would be able to come to belief in God, have all my sins washed away, and become a “righteous” person.

In order to become “righteous,” I needed first to come to know where I was wrong. As there is no one who is righteous, if one has any righteousness, it has to come from God, and they must know that, in and of their own strength, it is impossible. The more I thought that I could be right in my own strength, the more I ended up failing in my farm tasks. Small failures, big failures, the number of which cannot be counted. My pride was crying out. I had no idea that accepting where I was wrong would be so hard! I resisted or rebelled against those at the farm, especially Mark and his mother Lois. I thought myself to be this poor being that nobody understood. I buried myself inside my shell. It was around that time that Lois had some words from the Lord for me, “Don’t shut the door.” I knew those words were from the Lord, remembering them vividly even now.

Early one afternoon, the owner of Harvest Haven and a believer in God, Victor, asked me a question. “Mariko, did you come here to learn something?” Thinking that I needed to show some enthusiasm, I energetically answered, “Yes.” He continued, “If you want to learn something here, you must first empty your cup. If the cup within you is full of water that is your color, then other colored water cannot be added.”

Victor had me read out loud to him, from a Japanese Bible, the first chapter of John. As Victor could not understand Japanese, I hesitantly started to read:

John 1:1-5 MKJV
(1) In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.
(2) He was in the beginning with God.
(3) All things came into being through Him, and without Him not even one thing came into being that has come into being.
(4) In Him was life, and the life was the light of men.
(5) And the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not overtake it.

As I read these verses, I started to cry uncontrollably. I had no understanding whatsoever of what was occurring inside of me except that I realized that everything started in God; God made everything and I was a part of it. I had the thought that if I emptied the cup inside of me labeled “me,” just maybe there was a completely different life waiting for me.

On another day, I was visiting Victor’s house and the two of us went for a walk. At the top of a hill Victor pointed to a weed with his finger and said, “This weed is consumed by a bug and then that bug is consumed by a bird. In that same way, God consumes us.” I then had another realization. Until that time I had often declared the structure of the world to be “unfair” and had many feelings of anger, more so than others; I spoke out against such problems as minority discrimination. The reason I worked for an environmental conservation group was because I wanted to be right. When I was a student, we were assigned open topic essays, and I focused on discrimination or war and peace issues. I always had the feeling, “I will not forgive things that are wrong,” including in my relationship with my parents, being especially rebellious towards my mother, and becoming angry with her when she would not agree with me, often arguing with her until she finally agreed.

All my stubborn viewpoints and my so called common sense got turned upside down and seemed to just dissolve with Victor’s words about being consumed. God created this world. God is in control of both the good and the bad things in this world. Just as in the case of war, even though it can look like a bad thing, it is all part of His plan. The word “unfair” comes only from how humans see the world, but everything always has a reason. For example, I had tenaciously fought for women’s rights and gender equality, but in the Bible, it says that women are to submit unto men and men unto God. All of the confusion in the world today comes from a lack of order, not from unfairness. Similarly, the problems in the education system today are not because student’s rights have been eroded, but because the authority of the teachers has been eroded.

The belief that God existed and that He is in control of my life had started to sprout within me. I experienced for the first time viewing the everyday happenings with the people at the farm from God’s perspective. I saw the events that happened previously in a completely different light. However, having said that, I was unable to view those things that were presently happening to me in that same light. This was evidence of my faith not being real. I wanted to believe in God and tried pretending, but it was impossible. Only God can grant faith. I experienced first hand that you can do nothing towards receiving faith in your own effort.

I felt like I barely made it through that year at the farm. Rather than feeling thankful, the turbulence of every day had made me increasingly tired and my sense of being a victim grew. It was as if there were two different people inside of me. One believed in God and one doubted. Those two people were constantly battling and so, not knowing how to resolve that conflict, I was relieved to simply retreat back to Japan. Victor quoted Scriptures to me just before I left, which penetrated and stayed in my heart.

Jeremiah 29:11-14 MKJV
(11) For I know the purposes which I am purposing for you, says Jehovah; purposes of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.
(12) Then you shall call on Me, and you shall go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you.
(13) And you shall seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.
(14) And I will be found by you, says Jehovah; and I will turn away your captivity, and I will gather you from all the nations, and from all the places where I have driven you, says Jehovah. And I will bring you again into the place from where I caused you to be exiled.

God’s Salvation

After returning to Japan, I started to work for an organic food store. While it seemed like the ideal work, selling food that is good for people’s health, my own health was not good because, even though I was eating healthy food, I lacked peace in my heart. Though I was surrounded by co-workers, friends and family with whom I was very close, as well as having all the organic food and healthy things I could want, I never really had true, heart-felt satisfaction. Having once heard the Truth and having seen the Light, I had a sense, to the point where it hurt, that I could never again adjust to the darkness of the world.

Related to this, sometime after returning, I had a vision. There was a big white passenger ship waiting to depart from a harbor. The ship was waiting for someone yet to board and I knew that I was the one it was waiting for. I was debating whether I should get on or not, but knew in my heart that I needed to get on. At the time I had no idea what the vision meant, but would soon find out.

It may seem hypocritical after having said I could not adjust to the darkness of the world around me at that time, but out of my sense of loneliness, I nearly got into an affair with a married man. It was in the middle of all this that I wrote a letter to Victor and Mark, seeking help.

Victor replied shortly afterwards. He wrote, “Mariko, it seems to me that if you don’t do something, you will perish there with your lifestyle, your environment, and all the darkness surrounding and suffocating you. Would you like to come back to Harvest Haven for a while, as long as the Lord wills?”

As soon as I read this letter I began to cry uncontrollably and, at the same time, had the conviction that I needed to return to Canada. Though the thought of leaving the only job that I had ever felt like I wanted to do for the rest of my life was hard, and I had a feeling of uncertainty about the future, I informed my family and boss that I wanted to go back to Canada, wasting no time.

I was a little nervous as I prepared to go to Harvest Haven for my fourth time. In light of my last visit, it would seem that I would never want to go there again, but I felt like if I didn’t go, I would lose whatever life was left in me, becoming one of the living dead. This conviction was given to me by God. This time, though, I was not going with the goal of marrying Mark but rather in hope of, through the people at Harvest Haven, hearing the Truth, being corrected, repenting and becoming a believer of the Truth. I no longer felt any pressure within me to be correct. I knew that this visit was different.

When I arrived at the farm, Mark’s mother said to me, “Welcome home.” I felt in my spirit, I had finally come back home to the birthplace of my heart where it could be at peace. During the three years I had been back in Japan, I had experienced death in my heart and spirit. Through many failures I had given up on myself and was now searching for God. This time it was different. While no matter how hard I tried to change myself the last time, I could not, this time the Lord simply changed me without my effort. If one truly seeks God with all his or her heart, God will surely deliver them, in His timing. I speak from having clearly experienced this myself.

In October of 2005, God granted me His Holy Spirit. Though I didn’t feel as though my faith was at the level where I could ask for such, I could not extinguish the fire that burned within me, desiring to want to live in God and have God live in me. I confessed my many sins involving relationships with men, having a rebellious heart, jealousy and more, repented, and prayed that the Lord would kill the old me. It was then that I received the Lord’s Spirit.

It was not with the goal of becoming a right person or a good person. It was a request based on realizing how much I needed to be helped that I prayed and believed on God, and asked that He would make me right. Not controlled by the ways of the world but rather seeking to obey the heart of God and live in that. I wanted to be able to truly be thankful for good and bad, easy and hard.

In looking back on everything, I can say with certainty that my whole life has been according to God’s plan and has all been for my good. Meeting Mark, separating from Mark, coming together again, my life in Canada. Work, love, my many sins. Everything, no matter how small, has been according to God’s design.

Long before I ever came to Canada, I vaguely realized that there was no coincidence in the happenings of the world and felt as though there was a power greater than me at work controlling everything, but I did not think that was according to God’s existence. When I became a believer in God, I realized that in all those things there was a clear answer. There are no such certain or consistent answers with men. Men have opinions but lack Truth unless it is given to them by God. I have been witness to this many times.

In March of 2006, Mark and I got married. Finally our marriage was not just of our own desires but in God’s will and timing. While I was filled with happiness in the abundant blessing of being able to be with Mark whom I loved, I also had a struggle as it meant letting go of living in Japan.

I really loved Japan, my family, the language, customs and traditions and did not want to let them all go. My struggle was evidence that Japan was a god to me. The Lord commands us to have no other gods besides Him (Exodus 20:3 KJV).

This led to me repenting and being set free of this also.

Here at Harvest Haven, through God, I finally found the true satisfaction and freedom that I had searched for since I was born. I believe the most important thing there is, is faith. The one thing I want is more faith. God shows us many things everyday and grants answers. It has nothing to do with culture or opinion, no matter what anyone says; as sure as the sun rises into the sky, God exists. I declare here that the Lord Jesus Christ is the one and only God and I give thanks to Him for being my Savior.

Mariko (Shinji) Benson

Lethbridge, Alberta, Canada

E-mail Mark & Mariko Benson